Now with more verbs!
The worst way to hit on a girl is with a bat. A hammer is pretty bad, too.
New Tricks You Can Teach Old Dogs:
1. Laying
2. Being still
3. Evoking sympathy
4. General frailty
Insecurity Guard
"Excuse me, Sir? Can you not… steal that? Umm… gosh. That wasn't very intimidating was it? Lemme try that again."
Awesome times to say "read 'em and weep."
-I got two A's and a B!
-Blackjack!
-Here's your daughter's suicide note. And your son's.
Woman Who Thinks Animal Names Are Too Contrived
"Gary Thompson, stop sh*tting all over the living room! Dr. Philip Mussberger, I think you have worms."
Grammy Winning Crimefighters
Cop: Open up! It's The Police.
Criminal: Oh man! It's a Sting operation.
Odds on Who Dies in the Final Harry Potter Book
Harry Potter 10:1
Daniel Radcliffe 50:1
Youth Literacy Rate 5:1
Send your 105% submissions to 105percent @ gmail dot com