Your parents and maybe even a few of you pay a staggering amount of money to attend college. Tuition with room and board can range anywhere from $10,000 a year on the low-low end to $50,000 plus if you plan on being the next big thing to come out of NYU. Therefore, you expect certain things from your school: an education, decent accomodations, working toilets and a roommate of your same race, naturally. But most of all you expect to be taken care of. And at a couple hundred bills a day, you should be taken care of very, very well.
For the most part, you are. But there will always be one person standing in the way of your happiness. One person who always manages to put a frown on your face and take a big fat dump on your parade. He's judgemental, rude, inconsiderate and, worst of all, unavoidable. It doesn't matter if your school costs $5,000 a year or $75,000 a year. It doesn't matter if your school is in Connecticut or New Mexico. It doesn't even matter if it's day or night. He's always there, always awful and always wrecking your otherwise perfect day. He may look like any other low wage school employee, but he's not. He's
Apples to oranges, soup to nuts, grilled cheese to taco Tuesday, this douchebag watches over the food line like a hawk. Well, when he's not too busy making off-hand comments to the dishwashers behind him about how nice it must be to have mommy and daddy pay for all your meals, that is.
"Hi," you cheerfully say, "Can I have a burger and some onion rings?" He'll hold up a mayonnaise-covered finger to your face while he finishes up telling a hilarious fishing story to the mentally retarded grill cook. "And then Jed goes, 'well, if I didn't fuck my wife, it must've been my dog!' he'll quip. After laughing at his own wit for a minute he'll finally lower his finger and turn towards you, except he won't say anything. Oh, he's heard your order but he's going to show you how powerful he is by not saying anything. It's awkward, it's uncomfortable and it's a dickhead move, but this guy's got it down.
You won't be able to gaze into his yellow, syphilitic eyes for long and will be forced to break the silence. Tentatively you'll mutter, "Uh yeah, I said I'll take a hamburger and some onion rings, please." He'll roll his eyes and complement that with a tortured, exaggerated sigh. Then he'll squint, pinch the bridge of his nose, open his hollow eyes once more and stare you down again. By the look on his face you'd think you had just said the stupidest thing in the world.
"We don't have no onion rings today. Didn't you see the sign or don't they not teach you how to read in this fancy school?". Brushing aside his sarcastic, arrogant, double-negative-heavy, illogical comment, you'll glance over to a small piece of paper taped to the steam tray informing you that there are "no onnion rings today" in handwritten chicken scratch.
"Oh," you'll say.
"Oh," he'll answer in his best rich-guy impression.
"Do you have fries?" you'll ask, doing everything you can from pointing out the 762 reasons he's not perfect. Another eye roll, another sigh and another stare will follow your apparently-moronic question.
"Listen here, the fryolator's broken. We don't have no onion rings, no fries, none o' that shit. What part o' that don't you get? Guess they don't teach you nothing here, huh?" Of course! How could you not decipher that "no onnion rings" meant that the deep fryer was broken? Silly you! Dejected, angry and still hungry you'll leave the grill station without a word. But this guy won't let you off that easy. "Have a nice day, college boy!" he'll shout after you before turning back to the retarded grill cook for affirmation on how bad he just burned you.
This guy is the epitome of an ignorant, entitled asshole. In his alcohol-riddled brain, he's somehow too good for his job. If you catch him on a day when the grill is actually working he'll make it seem like he's doing you a huge favor by giving you some food. Never mind that that is his job, he's still going to act like he's really going above and beyond when he's handing you a carton of soggy, shitty potato sticks that at one point may have been fries.
He spends every minute of your time together scrutinizing everything you say for a chance to inject some of his trademark wit. If you mispronounce a word or order something that's not on the menu, he's ready to try to make you look like an uneducated idiot. He'll end each of these devastating rebuttals with some comment about you paying a lot of money for an education but not learning any common sense. To him, this is brilliantly funny, but to everyone else including the mentally retarded grill cook it's blatant overcompensating. Understand that this is literally the highlight of his day.
But what makes this guy worse than your average asshole is that you need him. Without him you can't get food and, let's face it, food is pretty important. So day after day you'll be forced to put up with his petty, sarcastic, ignorant, white trash bullshit; his unearned pomposity and arrogance; his astounding lack of social skills; and his defensive, hostile attitude. And you'll do it all with a smile on your face because, Goddamn, you love your grilled cheese.
People have been asking me when they can rant about people they hate, so here's what we're going to do. You post your own People You Hate update on CollegeHumor and email me the link at Streeter.Seidell @gmail.com. If you don't know how to write an update it's very easy.1. Make a CollegeHumor account2. Click the "write an update" link at the top left3. Write the update4. Hit 'Publish'