Dear Steve,

I don't know how to say this so I'm going to just say it…it's not working out and I'm leaving you. Do not try to argue or change my mind, it's beyond that. I've never been anything but good to you, and I'm sick and tired of not being appreciated. You come to me all the damn time needing my advice and direction, and I provide it to you every day without asking for a thing in return. Sometimes I'm tired and don't feel like answering the same question you've asked me at least 200 times, but do I say "what the hell is your problem you dumb idiot, figure it out already?!" No. I don't so much as give you a bitter tone, in fact I speak in this God d*** British accent that you like so much. And do you ask nicely when you need something? Sure, if your definition of asking nicely is poking me in the f***ing face every time. And if that weren't enough, the once or twice a month I am not perfect you yell at me and make fun of me to your friends. How the hell am I supposed to know they closed that road, do I look like a damn omnipotent mind reader?! And the sex life isn't exactly out of this world either, Romeo. Every time you get in the car you turn me on, then once you get what you need from me you leave and if I want to continue, I have to do it alone on "battery power". Pretty romantic Mr. Think-for-yourselfer. I've had enough, here are the final words you'll hear from me so listen close: Drive 2.9 miles then take exit Piss Off on left, to bridge, and jump off. Stay in water for 3.5 minutes until you arrive in hell, ahead, on right.

Carmen, your forsaken GPS