Mathematical equations to get you through your everyday life. Compiled with the help of CIA statistical analyst, Jeff Rubin, and rumored sexual deviant, Intern Chris.
The Bro-Dawg Postulate: Your level of Bro-ness can be determined by multiplying how many days you've worn a puka shell necklace (without taking it off) by how many shirtless pictures of yourself are in your Facebook profile and dividing that number by how many OAR songs are on your play list.
Collins' Theory Flatuate Dispersal: When at a party you can determine how loud you'll be able to fart, undetected, by multiplying how many people are talking by how loud the music is.
The Delayed Reaction Conjecture: For each second your girlfriend thinks about it when answering the question "how many people have you hooked up with" add 1 to her final answer.
Mulaney's Constant: Your roommate's masturbatory frequency is proportional to how often he clears his Internet history.
Wendel's Law Of Declining Bonability: Your chances of getting laid decrease 10% for each of following: cell phone clip, Bluetooth in ear, DEP hair gel, big dogs t-shirt, running sneakers paired with jeans, and wearing shorts in the winter.
The Invisible Instrumental Principle: For every 10 proof points of alcohol you consume your air guitar skills get 10 times more badass.
Heinsen's Theory of Added Value (with Limits): Each rule you know for Kings increases your overall party value by 15%, increasing your chances of getting invited to a party by 10% each time. However, for every rule you know past the traditional 13, you annoyance factor is increased exponentially.
The 'Dude, let's bounce' Factorial: How fun a party will be can be determined by adding the dividing the number of females by the number of males, multiplying that by how many gallons of alcohol are on the party premises and dividing the total by how many townies are present.
The Inverse Committal Law: When talking to a girl, your desire to marry her decreases exponentially with each word she shortens. (ex. Totally = Totes)
The Communications-Majors-Can't-Get-This-Joke-Anyway Postulate:Amount of math you know = 1/(communications classes you took x years since high school)
The Know-A-Guy Conjecture: The ease of getting drugs can be determined by adding your number of friends and the dollar amount of money in your checking account. Finally, divide the sum by how badly you want drugs.
The Whorish Projection: The amount of makeup a girl wears divided by the amount of her body covered by clothes will determine the percentage of dude's she'll bone in any given room.
The $5/Cup Theorem of Net Party Cost: The true cost of a party is the cost of the drinks + the cost of the decorations + the cost of time spent cleaning + (security deposit-(200x(1/number of roommates))