People You Hate: The Campus Security Guards.

When entering college, everyone must go through the standard orientation. A variety of topics you could care less about are covered, like campus policies on pirating music and where your classes are. Inevitably campus security comes up. Standing in front of your entire class, the administration gloats about how safe the campus is. They mention how there are emergency blue light phones all over campus in the most obscure of places and that campus security officers are only a phone call away. It isn't until later in the semester that you truly gain a deep appreciation of who the members of campus security are and all they do. Typically there are two types of campus security officers, neither being better than the other. The first type is the young gun who couldn't make the cut at police academy. He is the tall, lanky, goofy looking douche who you know that in a jam would be the first to run. You know that back in elementary school he was the hall guard. His case of severe adolescent acne has yet to fade, but his campus security patch demands respect. He struts around campus, puffing his bullet proof vested chest out, as if he were better than everyone else. Sure, you're at college pursuing a meaningful education, but hey, he almost made the force if it wasn't for that damn runner's cramp.At night, it's his time to shine. He patrols campus with his trustee radio attached to his shoulder, as if he were in a dangerous neighborhood, looking for students up to no good. Sure, one or two students might break a rule, but in his eyes, they are breaking the law. He'll be damned if he doesn't bring them back to the campus security office to book and process them, or in laments terms, give them a write up. But what about the 99% of other students walking back from a night of partying minding their own business? Of course he will find a way to bother them as well. He'll randomly come out of nowhere from behind, as to keep the element of surprise, and ask for student ID cards. He'll then proceed to give students the first degree, asking questions that are none of his business, like, "Where were you?" or "How much did you have to drink?" Any deviations from his questions instantly means a student is drunk and earns them a trip to the campus security office for a write up.Looking at his write up tickets, he still uses all the police jargon he failed to memorize for his entrance exam into the police academy. He'll write students up for a 10-4: failure to comply. Or how about the old 1369: Drunk and disorderly conduct? Of course, when it's time for a students hearing with security about the write up, he is there, denying you appeals. Yes, he will be your judge, jury and if he had his way, executioner. This man is one of campus' finest, and he will always be there to flex the balls he so unfortunately will never have.

The second type of security guard you always wonder "How is this man a security guard?" He's the guy who is well past the prime of his life. In fact, he's on death's doorstep. He's the overweight old guy who sits in the entrance of your dorm, wearing the same uniform he's worn for the past 41 years. Sure, it's tattered, hasn't been washed in ages and faded, but in his mind, those are battle scars from the good ole' days when he too was once young and didn't make the force. Generally, he can be seen enjoying reading his Reader's Digest, or listening to a Tony Robbins personal empowerment tape and sipping the same cup of coffee he has had for the past 3 days. He doesn't have a care in the world. Sure, he could retire and go work at the Walmart down the road, but hey, greeting people and ensuring safety are two different things. You'd think this nursing home candidate wouldn't give you much trouble. WRONG. At the first sign of any noise from a dorm room, he's there. It doesn't matter if it's 11 in the morning or 8:30 at night, your TV and your music are at an unacceptable level and are disturbing his "me time" four floors below. No student can ever pull a prank, not on his watch that is. He's always there at the final moment to defuse any collegial harmless fun from happening. And what about when a guy finally brings that girl back to his dorm he's been masturbating to for the past 6 months? Of course the security guard is there right as the lovin' begins. Knocking on your door as he keys into a students room, barley giving them time to cover up, he walks in to inform you about the campus rules on visitors' curfew. Of course this will give him something to think about when he goes home and pops a few Viagra when his shift is over.

Yes, these are the fine men who make up your campus security. They will always be there when they aren't needed. They will always write you a parking ticket for not parking between the yellow lines equally. And always, they will be a member of the campus community we hate.