I am a college student and as such I am required by law, well it's an unwritten law anyway, to have one of three jobs: Fast-food, working on campus, for those lazy people who didn't bother to get a driver's license or take a bus and of course being a waiter/waitress. Since I am the latter I feel it necessary to go over the rules for being an appropriate patron at restaurants; so as to ensure you and your server have an enjoyable experience.

  • It is not 1969 anymore, just so you all know, $1-2 IS NOT A TIP, unless you just get a coffee and desert or a soup and salad. Know that 18-20% is standard tipping!! We bust our ass for you people! We only make around $3/hour. We make our living off of our tips!! We pay rent, buy food and all our necessities off our tips, we cannot live without them. $50 paychecks don't cut it, so if you are gonna go out and spend $40 on a meal, you can afford to tip more than $5.
  • Following the above, if you can afford to go out to eat and you can't afford to tip, guess what? You can't afford to go out to eat.
  • Now, I understand that 10% is good enough for God, that's fine, but this isn't church and you're not tithing.
  • And for those of you who don't even tip, REALITY CHECK! If you ever come back and we wait on you again, be prepared to get the crappiest service possible and you may find some spit in your food. Assholes.
  • Now before I get ahead of myself, I want you all to know this: I follow a strict rule that you should never reward bad service with a good tip. However, you should also never punish excellent service with a shitty tip because you're a cheap fuck.
  • Go to the bathroom BEFORE YOU SIT DOWN! When we see a table get seated we will be there within 2-3 minutes, but when we go and you are not there, we have to wait for you to get back and by the time you do we could have another table seated as well. That is called being double-sat and is more of a pain than necessary if you could just sit down and wait. So just go before being seated or hang tight for 30 seconds while we get your drink order!
  • When I take the time to be courteous and introduce myself, please don't be rude and cut me off. Manners first, bastard. Didn't your mother teach you anything?
  • When we approach your table, don't be a prick and start talking on a cell phone. Tell whoever you are talking to, to hold on for a second. If it's that important, you should have finished the call before you were seated.
  • When we come to the table and ask how you all are doing tonight, a smile is not a sufficient answer, actually talk to us. We won't bite, we like to talk back, we like interacting with people; if we didn't we wouldn't be servers! We'd be bussing tables, cooking or working somewhere else.
  • As much fun as it is to stand there and watch you look over the menu, believe it or not we have other things we could be doing with our time. If the WHOLE table is not ready to order when we arrive, then tell us and we will come back, we have other tables who need our attention as well.
  • Ordering a well done steak, which just about everyone south of the Mason Dixon Line does will constitute a longer ticket time. If you wanted fast food, you should have gone through a drive-thru.
  • If your food sucks, it's not our fault, cooks get paid hourly so it makes no difference to them. They get paid either way. Don't take it out on us.
  • People who bring in kids, please keep a watchful eye on them and don't let them tear up everything on the table and make a mess. If they start throwing fits, please take them outside rather than disturbing everyone in the restaurant. We are there to serve you, not babysit your children.
  • When we ask if everything is okay, we actually wanna know if everything is okay. If you say everything fine, then we will assume it is. If your food is bad, let us know and we will take it back and try to correct it as quickly as possible. Don't get all bent out of shape because I couldn't read your mind. How was I supposed to know you wanted mustard for your fries you sicko.
  • It's really not necessary to snap at me or wave your hand in the air like you're having a spasm or get up and follow me. I saw you, I acknowledged you, you saw me, hold the fuck on, and sit the hell down. I am coming.
  • When we ask if you need anything else, EVERYONE at the table say what you need, don't make us go get someone a refill, then when we return ask us for ranch or blue cheese. Making a server run back and forth from a table for one item at a time is not only rude, but causes our service to other tables to be shitty as well. Look around, you are one of about 25 other people who also need our attention.
  • If you had bad service before at a certain establishment, don't take it out on the new server you have. We don't hire the people we work with. We know some severs are bad, don't be biased when you come in, let us show you how good of a server we really are!
  • Since we make all of our money from our tables, the longer you sit at the table the less money we make, so please keep that in mind! We call you people "Campers." We don't care if you wanna chill and sit at the table and talk. So for every 30 minutes you stay after we give you your check, please be considerate and leave an extra $3.
  • Lastly, please do not assume that since I am a server that I am some dumbass who was incapable of getting a better job. I am college student, I need a job to help pay for rent, books, loans, food etc. The restaurant business is a fast-paced environment with a high stress level. I don't come to your office and make you miserable for sitting on your ass all day do I?
  • So help fight the ignorance and spread the word about what a servers' job is really like so next time you go out to eat and you wonder why your server is not paying attention to you, think about the $3 tip you left on that $60 check on your last visit.