Hey Smurfnads, you don't know anything about girls! You better wise up and Learn About Girls! Today: The following traits are warning signs to look for in a potential ladymate:

1. She Likes You. Red flag! Look at yourself.

2. She's Cool. If she's cool, she has a boyfriend – it's that simple. Falling for someone who is in a committed relationship is comparable to an experience that everyone has had in the produce aisle: You find the perfect canteloupe, and it has no soft spots or brown lumps, and you know that when you bite into it will be succulent and delicious, so you take it to the checkout line, and then you go home and cry while masturbating.

3. She Stifles Her Sneezes. Girls who are comfortable with themselves sneeze like real human beings – with noise and wind turbulence. High maintenance girls with daddy issues sneeze like baby hamsters (Fig 1.1).

4. She Wears Lots of Makeup. If makeup can turn Charlize Theron into a Monster, the reverse is true as well. Nobody wants to wake up in the morning next to Steve Buscemi (Except Jo Andres — married 1987-present, 1 child) (IMDB.com).

5. She's A Lesbian. This instantly decreases your chances of having sex with her by up to 5%.

6. She Shows Up In The Middle Of The Night, Sobbing And Covered In Blood, And Says You're The Only Person She Can Trust. This just doesn't sound like something you should be involved in.