I don't have a girlfriend. I would like a girlfriend. I don't think it's my fault though, I just think I have a different outlook, as opposed to every girl on the planet. I have my own theories on why most girls don't like me.

My theories
Her reasons

I'm too funny, witty, and just overall awesome
I make fun of her too much

I'm too rugged and outdoorsy
I sit on the couch all day watching Lost in my underwear

I don't express my emotions
I cry too much

I keep in touch with her constantly
I track her using state-of-the-art surveillance

She feels guilty about me paying for everything
She feels pissed that I always bring up how much things cost

I'm too adorable
I have the figure of an 8-year-old girl

She doesn't like me giving to charity
She doesn't like me paying bums to fight each other

My awesome hair and sweet aroma distracts us from meaningful conversations
I don't shower often and spray Febreeze on myself every morning

I'm too good
I suck

I'm too loving and caring
I'm too loving and caring

Girls are dirty bitches
Guys are stupid assholes