Ferretsville, SC — In what is being hailed as “the best thing to happen around here in over a decade”, the township of Ferretsville (Pop. 421) is welcoming Myron Wilburforce Tuppley (14, and small for his age) and his parents, Preston and Doris as new residents. “I’m especially happy for the bullying community,” says Brock Dobler, Ferretsville’s mayor and coach of the Ferretsville High School football team (the FHS “Fighting Ferrets”), “They’ve had to take turns menacing once another for a long time now in the absence of any real dorks”.

Of course, not everyone is quite so pleased. “This sort of thing — a town preparing in advance for a child to be tormented — is everything public education professionals have been trying to eliminate,” says Tulip Goodwin of the South Carolina Department of Child and Family Services. “Can’t these people at least give the boy a chance to be properly sized up before making him a target?”

Mayor Dobler disagrees. “When we first heard young Myron was going to be joining us, we suggested he might want to have a nickname to go by that might be less likely to draw the attention of our many, many bullies. But Myron refused. While I agree that the young man sure won’t be having an easy time of it, we have to remember that the jock/nerd dynamic is a tried and true cornerstone of our social compact”. The Mayor added that in preparation for the Tuppley family’s arrival local bullies have been getting plenty of exercise. “They want to be fresh for this young man by the first day of school,” he said.

Myron’s parents refused to comment but when asked about why he chose to be referred to by his Christian name when beatings might be otherwise avoided, Myron said “Look, I’m also a ‘Doctor Who’ fan. My fate is sealed”.

But it’s not all bad for young Myron. In anticipation of his arrival, the township has also hired an additional school nurse with a strong background in extreme physical trauma. There will also be a blood drive in Myron’s name (Myron is Type ‘O’ Negative), to be held during Labor Day festivities and the principal of FHS has promised the Tuppley’s that plenty of blood for Myron will always be on hand.

A Google search finds the name ‘Myron’ to be of Greek origin and meaning “fragrant balm.”

Written by Dr. Manson Panic