At the time she was beautiful. Full lips, curvaceous figure, simply stunning. We met at a party off campus, late one fateful Friday night. I had downed a couple shots in what us college kids call "pre-gaming" then went to the party with 3 or 4 of my boys. Thirty minutes or so into the night I caught her eye across the room. I say eye not in a literary sense, but because she was wearing an eye-patch over her left eye. I approached her and offered my hand, she missed the shake due to a lack of depth perception.

Hours flew by in what seemed like minutes as I continued to consume heavy amounts of alcohol. The clock hit 3 A.M. and I felt I had little chance of hooking up with this seemingly gorgeous cycloptic goddess. Then, out of nowhere she went in for the kiss, but missed, this time not because of her skewed vision of the world, but because of her protruding gut that restricted our lips from touching. For one reason or another, most likely my alcohol consumption and obsession with girls named Harriett, I was unwilling to give up. After countless attempts, I was able to kiss her, in what I can only describe as an upside down Spiderman kiss. Our lips locked and sparks ignited, not from our chemistry with one another but because both of us were sporting braces at the time and went in too fast, causing friction that ignited as a fiery flame within my mouth.

I woke up the next morning with scars covering my lips and the taste of throw up in my mouth. I walked into the bathroom to take my morning piss and found the eye patch strapped around my waste, cradling my balls. As I looked in the mirror I smiled, for I just had" my first college kiss!