Note: The point of this column is to show that every school has its foibles. If you are offended by its content, you probably don't understand the word "foibles."

If I'm going to mock schools, I may as well mock my own.


Let's start with the phallus fountains in front of the library, sculptures so sexual they make the Washington Monument blush. Did they have to be fountains? It wasn't enough to design a series of penises in front of the library, they had to shoot water out of the tip, too. I'm surprised the sundial doesn't somehow resemble a giant vagina.

Speaking of construction, the student center is the biggest New York debacle this side of the Knicks. There's a housing crunch, there's a classroom crunch, there's a meeting space crunch. So what do you do? Spend millions to build a few stories of empty space, ramps and glass windows. That really helped. All the students that can't find housing can just live on the ramps. Out of that big glass window, there's a great view of the phallus fountains.

And speaking of things that break easily and lead nowhere, how about that football team? Columbia set the record for most D1 losses in a row, going four years without a win. Prairie View later beat that record, because Columbia can't even win at losing. But who cares, since no one ever goes to games anyway. Well, that's not true .. other teams alumni seem to show up. Nothing gets Columbia ready for a game like thunderous chants of "Go Penn!" Baker field is an apt name .. because the Columbia football team might be better off if they took the field baked.

I did enjoy my time at Columbia and there was a good amount of fun to be had (especially for an academic based school). Recently, Columbia even made news for sex parties and an S&M club. I was proud of my alma mater's ability to maintain its lighter side and get a little deviant. Of course, turns out the stories weren't true. It was just some homeless guy trying to massage one of the fountains.

Thanks for having me. Go Lions!