We will go skydiving. When she pulls for her parachute she will realize it has been replaced with a wedding ring. In this moment of sheer terror I will propose to her. If she survives the fall, we will go though with the wedding. There is always that remote chance she will hit a pool or a trampoline.

I will pay one of her friends to call her and inform her that one of her friends from high school has died in a horrible car crash. I will go to Kinko’s make a fake funeral announcement and mail it to the house. The day of the funeral we will go to the church and boom surprise wedding. I imagine when she sees that supposedly dead friend alive and attending her wedding it will make the day priceless.

First I will stage an elaborate kidnapping plot equipped with a dirty warehouse and some shady characters with knives. And after the kidnappers have sufficiently tortured her. I burst in the door they will offer me a $100 ransom. I will deny the offer tell them just to kill her at that outrageous price. After they have drawn their knives I will come back in the door say “just kidding” and get down on one knee.

I will spend 6 months building a bomb shelter and talking non-stop about impending nuclear war. I will pay my buddy with a cable access show to do a fake newscast about a nuclear war being minutes away. We will run to the bomb shelter as my friends light fireworks outside. Right there why’ll were huddled in darkness I will propose. There is no aphrodisiac quite like the threat of nuclear winter

We will take a nice walk thru the countryside. Suddenly a huge beast will attack us I will pull out a buck knife stabbing it repeatedly and when the animal is dead. I will reach deep inside its gullet pull out its heart and take a huge bite. I will look deep into her eyes while spitting out a wedding ring and ask her to marry me