A man and a woman are seated at a table.  They are wearing redneck-chic clothing.

Starlene: I want to thank you for taking me out.  You didn’t have to splurge.  This place is so fancy.I mean, this is almost too much.

Ted: No, no, no.  I insist.  Just enjoy everything that TJI Fridays has to offer.

Starlene: Oh, wow! There’s so much to choose from!

Ted: May I recommend the Ass Kickin’ Buffalo Sizzlers as an appetizer?

Starlene: If you think I’ll like it…

Ted: Oh, you’ll like it coming in, but you sure won’t like when’s you’s squeezing it out!

They Laugh

Starlene: Ted, you always know just the right thing to say.You sure know how to dine a lady!

Ted: Well, normally I woulda taken you for drive-thru in my Daewoo, but tonight there’s cause for celebration!

Starlene: You mean?

Ted: That’s right: I’ve been promoted to register!

Starlene: Oh, Ted!  Arby’s ain’t never had a better worker!I think we should thank Jesus for this!

Ted: Agreed.


Dear Jesus,

Thank you for promoting Ted from fryer to register.  It is only through your mighty power that this could happen.  Jesus, please look kindly upon us and guide us modestly to the great fortune you have led us to.  Please let the owners of Arby’s see Ted’s potential and someday, maybe, he could be assistant manager.  You know we’ve got that 9 child on the way and we sure could use the extra vittles.

Love, Hugs and Kisses

Ted: (Tears in his eyes) That was beautiful, sugerpie.

Waiter: (Screaming at the top of his lungs.  Wearing 97 buttons, all of which have quotes from Babe 2: Pig in the City.  There are coke boogers in his nose.)  Hello!  My name is Jimmy-John!  What can I get you folks today?  Would you like to know our specials?

Starlene: Did you hear that, Ted?  They have specials here!I feel like I’m wearing one of them coats made out of baby seals!  Fan-cy!

Ted:  Yessir, we’d love to see your specials.

Ted and Starlene look at each other romantically

Waiter: Our drink specials for the evening are Louisiana Toilet Bowls, Texas Hot Damn Teas, or if you’re looking for something romantic we have several different boxes of wine to choose from.

Ted: We’ll take a box of wine.

Waiter: Alright, now did you want the Cheese-Wiz and Ritz Crackers with that or the American and Saltines?

Starlene: Oooo!  Wine AND cheese.  I feel more spoiled than that critter Donald Trump lets sleep on his head!

Ted:  We’ll take the Wiz and Ritz.

Waiter: Excellent choice sir!  An appetizer, perhaps?  We’ve got Tater Screams with a side of ranch dressing, Deep Fried Cheese Injected Baby Back Ribs with a side of ranch dressing, and Mozzarella Wife Punchers with a side of ranch dressing on special!

Ted: What about Ass Kickin’ Sizzlers?  I’ve got a coupon right here for a free order. (Hands coupon to waiter) 

Starlene: Oh, Ted.  You romantic, you!

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, this coupon is expired.

Ted: Are you calling me a cheater boy?  Huh?  Now I suggest you get back there and make us the best damn free order of Buffalo Sizzlers you ever made.  And if it ain’t so spicy that my ass is bleeding later tonight, I’m coming to shove my size 10’s up yours!  That’s right I said size 10’s!

The Waiter leaves in a hurry.

Starlene: Oh my god, Ted!  That was so hot!  I want you right now!

She takes a lemon wedge from her cup and nibbles it seductively.  Ted partially peels off the paper on a straw then blows the rest off… seductively.  Starlene“accidentally” drops her fork, then picks it up and licks it clean… seductively.  Ted rubs his nipples like he’s tuning a radio… seductively.

Starlene: Oh god, I can’t stand it!

Ted: I want you!

Starlene: You better drop them britches right now!

Ted: Bathroom!

They run towards the men’s bathroom.

Starlene: No!  Women’s bathroom!  They have a changing table!

They run into the bathroom.  Waiter comes out with appetizers and drinks.

End Scene.