(In case you missed it, Part I)

My brother

Remember that guy Jaques Cousteau who made movies about fish and stuff?


How did he die?

Heart attack.

Wrong. He was killed by mermaids.



Mermaids don't exist. Heart attacks do.

Mermaids definitely exist. You just don't know about them because you've never been deep enough in the ocean.

I didn't see any in the beginning of 'Titanic.'

That movie was stupid.

Maybe, but they were pretty much at the bottom of the ocean.

Yeah, but the mermaids were afraid of the cameras. They aren't used to bright light.

Fair enough. But if the top half of them is human, their eyes should be okay with it.

Katherine, god… The top half of them isn't really human.

… Apparently you don't know what a mermaid looks like.

I know what YOU think a mermaid looks like, and you're wrong. They don't look like stupid cartoon mermaids. They look like people, only if people were fish.

So… dolphins?

That is the most retarded thing you've ever said. Mermaids evolved from people, but they had to adapt to the water, so they got all scaley and their feet and hands got webbed. Sort of like Harry Potter did.

Why didn't they just get all hairy and turn into seals, like in "Galapagos"?

Because mermaids have been around a lot longer than the nuclear radiation that made that Japanese bitch have a hairy baby. And they didn't have sex with their aunts.

How long have they been around?

Pretty much since the beginning of written history. Or maybe like 5 BC. It's the same thing.

So… either since cuneiform was invented, or since five years before Jesus was born?

Yes. They used to be just regular people living in Atlantis.

As in, "the lost city of"?

Yes. It wasn't really a city though. It was a continent. In the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

So they were pretty much right where the Titanic went down.

God! I guess… but that movie was filmed in the Gulf of Mexico anyway.

Probably not the part with the remains of the actual ship.

Shut up. That doesn't matter. What matters is that mermaids are evil and they murdered Jaques Cousteau.

I would be a lot more willing to believe you if he didn't die on land. Of a heart attack.

It just seems like that's what he died of because the mermaids put a spell on him.

They can do magic?

It's not magic. They just cursed him. Like those guys who died when they opened King Tut's tomb. Ancient peoples are good with curses.

Why would they curse a harmless French oceanographer?

Because they are evil. Also French people suck, but mermaids don't know that because they don't speak English. See, mermaids are mad because they used to be from Atlantis, right?


And Atlantis used to be really famous. Plato wrote about it in "The Republic" and everybody wanted to go there on vacation, and it was really rich and had a bunch of giant golden castles and stuff.


And then one day it got destroyed by an earthquake, sort of like how New Orleans got destroyed by that hurricane, except the people of Atlantis didn't know it was going to happen, so they didn't have time to get out.

A lot of people didn't get out of New Orleans.

Yeah, because they're stupid. You got out, unfortunately.

I still lost a lot of stuff. And for the record, I didn't think it was going to hit, either.

I wish you had stayed.

Why, so I could become a mermaid?

I hate you. You couldn't become a mermaid. You have to EVOLVE.

Just keep going with the story.

Okay, so… The whole continent just sunk into the ocean, but it sank pretty slowly, and some people at the edges were underwater while the people in the middle, where there were mountains, were still above the water. And they all had babies and the babies got to be good swimmers and got scaly so they could swim in the water, in case they moved to the outside parts or something. Eventually the whole thing was underwater, and it was just this underwater kingdom and it was kind of cool. But then thousands of years passed and everybody on land thought Atlantis never even existed, which pissed the mermaids off because they weren't famous anymore and nobody was going on vacation there.

How did they evolve over one generation?

Things evolved a lot faster back then.

I don't think that's true.

Then how come Asian people have slanty eyes and black people are black and Jews have curly hair to hide their money in? Because people evolved quickly to better survive their climates.

Fine. That doesn't explain why they killed Jaques Cousteau.

They killed him so they could get famous again. They knew he made movies and they were mad because he didn't make any movies of them, and they wanted him to die because they were mad, and also so that people would know they existed.

It obviously didn't work if people think he died from a heart attack.

Yes it did! I know about them and now you do too. Pass it on.

…Mermaids are like the movie in "The Ring," huh? If I don't tell somebody, I'm going to die.

Hopefully, but probably not. I'm just trying to spread awareness.