Everyone knows about Pre-Menstrual Syndrome in women.  A week or so before menstruation, something gets fucked up with a woman's hormones, and a series of unfortunate changes envelop her, similar to the werewolf under a full moon. 

     Scientists now have discovered a similar syndrome in members of the opposite sex.  Men have been experiencing Pre-Masturbation Syndrome for years, but its scientific qualities have not been understood until most recently.  Below is a chart depicting some of the similarites between the two syndromes.

 

SymptomFemale PMSMale PMS
AngerHormones aren't workingInternet isn't working
Cryingoccurs at random intervalsusually only after self-stimulation, unless tears needed for lubricant
Stomach Crampscaused by contracting muscles in the fallopian tubesa plea for help from tired testicles before 9th man-to-hand session this week
Nauseaprobably from aforementioned crampsdefinitely from trying to watch that new Screech porno
Paranoidabout current relationshipsabout the return of his roommate
Blood loss preventiontampon or pad for vaginal dischargewristband for cut marks, you pathetic, lonely, emo freak.

I hope this chart answers any questions you may have had about Pre-Masturbation Syndrome and its relationship to the other PMS.  Guys, it's ok to talk about it now.  But I wouldn't.