Hey there LayDeez and Gentilemen. Last night I was witness to a sea of black, with people raising their fists in the air and getting really, really angry. No, it wasn't the Million Man March, because there were barely any black people to be seen. It was a metal concert.

That's right. I went to a metal concert. I happen to quite like metal, even if some of it is too, how do you say, "manly" for my taste. I heard Yanni was headlining so I thought I'd go, cuz come on man, it's muthafuckin' Yanni. But alas it was just a ploy to get me to go, where I can be surrounded in a sea of eye shadow on dudes and male clothing on females(?). The question mark is for their ambiguity when it comes to gender. But hey, if the chick's hot, who cares if she has a penis! Right?
Anyway, on that segway, here are the five people you meet at a metal concert.

1.

Ok pretty much everyone at the concert is banging their head, or their friend's head, or their friend's sister who he should really not be so upset about because she's only 17 and it's not like he had a chance with her anyway. Where was I? Right. Headbanging. There's always that one guy who all he does is stand there and bang his head or swing it around to mimic the performers on stage. He's actually quite a good person to be next to, because unlike some of the other idiots surrounding you, he just stands there, banging his head, not really talking. Now if only there was a woman who met this criteria. Banging heads, and…um…you get the idea. Or not.
Ok. I air guitar. It's true, I do. In the car and stuff. And at home. I play guitar, it's fun, so why not mimic your guitar heroes when they thrash an awesome solo? I'll tell you why. Because when you're at a live show, with a real dude with a real guitar doing exactly that onstage, when you copy him, you look like an idiot. End of story. Sure, you may be good at guitar, but you will never be up onstage with the band rocking out. That only happens in movies. Like, "Rock Star". And "Back to the Future". Was it part 2? No, i think it was part 1. Remember when his mom wanted to bone him? Ha that was so hot, I was like, totally turned on and…yeah anyway, air guitarists suck.



This guy is a fucking moron. He comes to the show to specifically run into people and piss them off, trying to get back at all of the people who told him he had a small penis in gym class. Well guess what? I'm getting it enlarged, the pump just hasn't come in the mail yet!

Ok so maybe this guy really likes metal. It's possible. But when you look at him, he's just standing there, not moving around, like my ex girlfriend during relations. It's like, come on, at least mouth the words! They're usually standing upright with their arms crossed, like a discontent parent or something. They also are usually wearing something close to black, but not totally black, like maroon or navy blue. It's like, come on man, this isn't Yellowcard. Or Black Eyed Peas. Or the Three Tenors. Get into the music! Punch someone! Something! Puke on somebody! Everyone else is doing it!

These poor girls. They're usually super cute and look super fucking bored or pissed off. Their boyfriend is banging his head, looking like an idiot, and they're standing next to him not getting boned by me. They're totally at a loss. Or a win. Whichever side of the "ex-girlfriend" fence you lean on. Then again, it's probably the girl's fault. She probably said "I wanna do stuff you wanna do!" and after the dude suggested anal, his backup plan was a metal concert, so she agreed, seeing as her she didn't want her out hole pushed in. Also, lots of girls deserve it, cuz they drag us to that ballet shit or those marriage counselors or mother-in-law's funeral. It's like, come on girls, we don't enjoy the stuff you do, and vice versa. So go shopping, while I bang my head and then try to bang your sister. Did I say try? I meant, DO.

Honorable mention also goes to parents of little kids who go to the shows. The little kids usually fit into the headbanging or moshing crowd, cuz they're retarded and don't know any better. Those poor parents get dragged along for the kid's birthday and they leave with ringing in their ears, a headache, and some form of the clap. Where'd that last one come from? Don't ask me, I've got mine under control!

I think…