The gift

To the girl

To the guy

A diamond ring

You're ready to get serious and spend the rest of your life with her.

You're giving up on sex with other women…at least as far as she'll know.

A diamond bracelet

You're not quite ready to settle down, but you're still very much in love.

The circumference of this bracelet is exactly how fat she can get before her ass is dumped.

A puppy

You're a loving, caring individual who wants a permanent new member of the relationship.

Now when you want to watch football or go to a strip club, she can still get affection without cheating on you.

A scented candle

While a little thoughtless, at least it shows you're willing to spend a romantic night together.

She smells.

A spa gift certificate

While something concrete would have been better, at least you're thinking of her needs and desires.

Maybe they'll be able to massage some of the bitch out of her.

A restaurant gift certificate

It'll be nice to have a night out together.

You'll wind up having to pick up the check anyway, so you might as well pay upfront.

A Best Buy gift certificate

You're thoughtless and blind to her needs.

Maybe she'll get the hint and furnish her place with some technology like a new TV.

An abortion clinic gift certificate

Oh my God.

Don't get pregnant.