Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
CH Staff Resolutions
December 19, 2006
Ricky Van Veen
I'm going to stop fast forwarding through the commercials on my tivo. It's the right thing to do.
Spend less time at the office and more time with my kids.
I resolve to stop making references to late 80's sitcoms, or else my family on Melmac will stop sending me
To start helping homeless people. In fact, I'll start right now. Hey homeless people, there are free crackers at Wendy's.
I should stop complaining about my private jet. First off, it's really not fair to most people that I just happened to find a jet on the side of the road. But my friends are definitely sick of hearing me complain how expensive jet fuel is. And no one cares about my feud with the air traffic control man in Milan. They're just not interested.
Stop using CollegeHumor to plug my other websites, such as
, and so on, and so forth.
is another one. Also,
Bring back the Pog.
Always select ford the river regardless of whether or not I think my oxen will die.
To turn CollegeHumor writer Lilly Walleck straight and then immediately marry her.
To grow the nards to follow up when I end customer service phone calls with "We should hang out sometime."
Stop bragging so much about my former sexual conquests to my current girlfriend.
My Resolution is to find a new roommate. You hear that, Steve?
Work racial slurs into my comedy act for "exposure."
I resolve to stop punching babies, even if they totally started it.
I resolve to stop re-gifting at the sperm bank.
I resolve to stop quoting "Mean Girls," benchpress at least six times daily, and do my damndest to get "That is
fetch" to catch on
I resolve to stop fucking around using the screen names of my high-ranking politician friends, should they accidentally leave themselves signed in at my apartment after our monthly, "Really Upstanding Members of Society" poker game.
Finally finish the time machine I’ve been working on. Then, go back in time and become friends with the YouTube guys.
Stop giggling when people say Bengay.
My New Year's Resolution is to envliven the social unrest of the poor and the downtrodden, leading them to victory as we storm various political hotspots. It's more of a Revolution, really.
To become Streeter Seidell.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.