Julian Beltrame
1223 W. Woodhill Drive
Indianapolis, IN 46969
December 19, 2006

Prospective Mensa Member
446 East 2nd Street
Bloomington, IN 47401


American Mensa Ltd. was excited to hear from you, a prospective Mensa member, when you first applied for membership status.We thought it a bit odd that you decided to apply via e-mail at four in the morning on a Sunday, but we were excited none the less. Well, the test results are in and we are sorry to say sir, that you will not be able to attend our next Mensa meeting as you are not…how shall I put this?….Mensa material. You see sir, American Mensa Ltd. prides itself on being the High IQ Society and we simply cannot allow anyone in who does not fit that criteria. True, exceptions have been made in the past for people who seem otherwise capable – we have allowed doctors, lawyers, engineers and scientists the opportunity to re-take their tests as there is some truth in the statement that not all people test as well as others. But you will not be receiving a re-take test as yours was a very “special” case. Now we could offer you admission to the Junior Cadet program if you were interested and from there you could eventually apply for full-blown Mensa membership, but I would advise against your accepting that offer as you still might feel a little out of place or shall we say, outclassed.

That being said, this by no means means you are forever barred from attending Mensa events.Why, I noticed on your application that you are employed with a “Likor Store” and that at said “Likor Store” you perform tasks such as “bending, standing, operation of cash drawer, customer servis and carryin’ stuff.” Well let me tell you, the local Mensa membership considers such physical feats to be useful in their own right and we would be more than happy to take you on board as this year’s Mensa Monkey. In addition to learning a very simplistic form of sign language, you would be given spacious quarters in a Mensa cage, fed a brain-stimulating diet of bananas, blueberries, and fish scraps, and eventually would be given the opportunity to load and unload furniture and equipment for Mensa functions! Once all the equipment is unloaded, you could roam free, anywhere around the convention center you wanted, just so long as you don’t touch anybody. And if you’re a really good Mensa Monkey (don’t you want to be a good Mensa Monkey?Koochie-koochie-koochie-koo, koochie-koochie-koochie-koo!) you might even be allowed to sit in on some speeches, presentations, or high-brow film viewings. True, you might not understand them, but if you are a good Mensa Monkey and you promise not to throw poop at the screen, I promise to take you out for a milkshake after the show…or maybe even scratch your belly! Would you like that? Would you like a belly scratch?

If so, please respond back with your very best crayon-color scrawled “Yes” or just hail me with a banana peel from some tree in my front yard.

Please let me know, and soon.

You fucking monkey,

Julian Beltrame