Second semester is fast approaching, and if you're a freshman and not a girl from Long Island, three financial possibilities exist:

  • The first semester parent sympathy fund has dried up
  • You used your last nickel from the community pool snack bar summer job on December 17th at Taco Bell
  • You got fired from your first semester job

None are desirable.

The reason people often are unhappy with their jobs is because they do not find one conducive to their life's passion and natural skills and abilities. Why should the girl who loves Twinkies and anime more than frat parties work at the pro shop? And why should a tan, muscle-y guido from Jersey be forced to suffer at the library circulation desk? Simply locate your skill-set on the chart below to determine your ideal on-campus job.

If You Like… Your Ideal Job May Be…
Reading and opening your roommate's mail, stumbling into his/her e-mail account, and using Google Earth to locate people's homes Work in the diploma office may be for you! Here you will have access to every student's private information: class schedule, phone numbers, living arrangements, and grades. Pay: $7/HR plus complimentary restraining order.
Sitting alone in your room stuffing your face with Doritos, stale Trix with half and half on top, and Sunny Delight while watching reruns of I Love Lucy

Dish washer in cafeteria could be your calling! You spend your free time with food…why not get paid for participating in your favorite hobby? Responsibilities include disposing of half-eaten sandwiches, melted soft serve, and plenty of untouched salisbury steak at rapid speeds. Garbage can too full or disposer broken? Don't worry…your coworkers won't tell!!! Pay: $6/HR and signed copy of Breaking Free from Emotional Eating.

Microwaving everything from a tin can to a squirrel, just to see what happens Radiation Safety Technician has your name written all over it. Here, you can ionize to your heart's content, with the added bonus of a possible romance with the international grad student supervising your work. Pay: $12/HR and lab coat. Now you can insist all your friends address you as "Doctor."
Updating your Facebook profile every three minutes with a new hobby ("smiling, laughing with my girlies!!") or movie ("High School Musical…lol Karly!"), sending instant messages to everyone who is online from your buddy list just to say, "hey", and refreshing your e-mail inbox at least 67 times a day Office Assistant could be up your alley! You will type and stare at a computer screen until your eyeballs glaze over in a fit of florescent lighting bliss. With the boss rarely checking up on your progress, you can bet your bottom dollar that opening up AIM Express and maintaining 36 IM's while importing data into Microsoft Excel will be as easy as pie. Pay: $7.75/HR and visit to arthritis specialist paid for by university.
Constantly accusing your hall mates of stealing your iPod, your Psych book, your hair brush, and your jewelry, then sheepishly closing your door with, "Well, you gotta be careful these days…" when it turns up under your bed. Library security is the job for you! Check bags all day long for stolen laptops, cell phones, and wallets, as well as any book from the reference room…put those encyclopediaphiles in their place! Pay: $7.50/HR and the power to say, "Can you put that Code Red over there on that table, please? Yeah, uh huh, you can get it on the way out…sorry, no liquids, it's policy around here."
Correcting other people's papers with red pen, walking people through impossible math homework with encouraging remarks such as, "You know, you just isolate the codependent variable and then insert mol here before adding the square root of every number ever invented. It's really simple once you grasp the concept." And then God created tutors. Making other people feel inferior is what you do best. Now have something to show for it. Whether correcting grammar makes you jump for joy or statistics makes you want to wet your pants with glee, there is a dumb student for every brilliant jerk on campus. Pay: $10/HR and the ability to tell people at home your on campus job.