White House Press Secretary Tony Snow announced today that two weapons of mass destruction were found north of Baghdad. Perhaps the most shocking revelation in this story deals with the fact that the “weapons” are nothing more than Vice President Dick Cheney and President George W. Bush. Original Unoriginal sat down for cocktails at an undisclosed location in Baghdad with President Bush to discuss his latest strategy in “kicking terrorist ass.”
Original Unoriginal: “President Bush, your approval rating is at an all time low. CBS, Newsweek and NBC all report that over 70% of Americans disapprove with your job performance. How do you respond to these polls?”
President Bush leans back into his La-Z-Boy and takes a moment to ponder the question.
President Bush: “Well, I don’t. There will always be people who disagree. I don’t pay attention to ‘em – don’t let ‘em bother me. We went over there to do a job. Job’s not done yet. I think if over half of America disapproved with the way I did my job, I wouldn’t have one.”
At this point in the interview a cigar-chomping, beer-drinking Vice President Dick Cheney emerges from the shadows.Through a thick cloud of cigar smoke we see the coldest of stares, and a shotgun. The Original Unoriginal chooses not to pursue above subject any further.
OU: “What compelled you and the Vice President to go out with Marine Force Recon?”
PB: “Well Dick’s been training with Recon since I spoke with him in Crawford about being my running mate back in ‘99. He knew that as my Vice President he might be called into action. We got him on some new growth hormones. He’s working out 7 times a day.”
The President screams at the Vice President.
PB: “Show ‘em your muscles Dick!”
The Vice President assumes a muscle pose.
PB: “Secondly, I wouldn’t ask any American to do a job that I wouldn’t do myself. Thirthly, I have to answer my critics. Sometimes they get under my skin.”
The President stands up out of his La-Z-Boy and gives the Vice President a high five.
OU: “Some people will applaud yours and the Vice President’s effort…”
The President puts his hand up in front of us. The Original Unoriginal gives him a high five.
OU: “in fighting terrorist actions, while others think it will further escalate tensions in the Middle East. How do you respond?”
President Bush takes a few long moments to answer the question. His face grows tense. I look at the man and see him contemplating the most intense and complex responsibilities any person could or should have to bear. He suddenly jumps out of his lazy boy, spilling his Jack and Coke all over the floor.
PB: “TOUCHDOWN! FUCK YEAH! TOUCHDOWN DICK! DICK YOU OWE ME MONEY! DICK YOU OWE ME CAAAASH!”
The room erupts in applause. Vice President Cheney smashes his beer bottle on the floor. Original Unoriginal turns around to find a big screen TV playing American Soccer – with the sound muted.
PB: “Bend-it-like-BECK-HAM!!!” (The President emphasizes each syllable by throwing punches at the air.)
The President runs around the room and gives a high five to all of his secret service agents. He sits back down in his seat, stands up, gives Original Unoriginal a high five, and takes his seat again.
PB: ”Beckham! Whew!You know he's American now. What was your question again?”
OU: “We were wondering what…”
President Bush interrupts again.
PB: “Have you seen Dick’s ear necklace?”
OU: “Ear necklace?”
President Bush motions to Vice President Cheney.
PB: “Dick! Show ‘em your ear necklace. Have you seen Apocalypse Now? From That Henry Ford Italian dude.”
Vice President Cheney hands President Bush a necklace with numerous human ears attached. President Bush holds the ears for Original Unoriginal to get a better look.
PB: “100% pure Al Qaeda ears.”
President Bush pulls one of the ears close to his mouth.
PB: “Can you hear me Obama? We’re coming for you! Democracy mother fucker! WHEW!!!”
President Bush, laughing hysterically, throws the ear necklace back at an un-expecting Vice President. The ears fall to the floor and the Vice President grunts as he picks them up.
PB: “We’re kickin’ ass left and left here.”
The room erupts into laughter. President Bush runs around the room again to high five everyone. The President swiftly returns to recliner to resume the interview.
OU: “Your father was known for his service in the military during World War II. We were wondering how you…”
President Bush begins to look very emotional.
OU: “and the military…”
President Bush begins to cry softly.
OU: “Is there something wrong Mr. President?”
The President begins to hyperventilate.
PB: “My..My…my daddy never loved me.”
The President begins to sob uncontrollably and Vice President Cheney comes over to comfort him.
PB: “I’m the most powerful person in the world and…and All I want is my DADDY’S LOVE!!!”
Vice President Cheney sits down in the La-Z-Boy and President Bush gets in his lap. Cheney consoles the President.
Vice President Cheney: “Who’s the most powerful leader of the free world?”
VPC: “That’s right.”
The President starts to calm down by nesting himself in the nurturing bosom of the Vice President. The Vice President runs his fingers through the President’s hair and begins to speak very softly.
VPC: “Did you know the 101st has on a small band of Taliban fighters pinned down outside of Fallujah?”
The President perks up like one of Pavlov’s dogs after hearing a bell. He stares at the Vice President, too anxious to make any words come out.
VPC: “That’s right. We got an Apache fueled and ready."
PB: “Can I borrow your grenade launcher?”
The Vice President messes up the President’s hair and slaps him on the back.
VPC: “You sure can Mr. President.”
The President wipes the tears from his eyes and touches the Vice President gently on the cheek.
PB: "You better not be foolin'!"
The President hugs the Vice President, sheds a few more tears and then runs out of the room quicker than Lindsay Lohan at rehab. Two large secret service men quickly grab both me and my underpaid assistant by the shoulders and escort us out of the room. We were told the interview would commence again at a later date.Developing