Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Fortune Cookie Games!
January 8, 2007
Say “in bed!” after you read your fortune. Giggle desperately at how the new phrase may or may not comment on your sexual prowess.
Say “monkey secretary!” after you read your fortune. Giggle desperately at the novelty of a monkey attempting to use a phone.
Sneak your fortune into your neighbor’s wonton soup. Say, “Hey, you got a fortune wonton soup!” Sheepishly pay for new soup and avoid eye contact.
Challenge your date to remove the fortune from the cookie without breaking it using only their tongue. If they accomplish this, propose marriage.
If the fortune isn’t about the future, or even necessarily about you, complain bitterly about this. When you eat the cookie, redouble your disgust at the poor quality of the dessert. When the last scrap of good will drains from your party, you win.
If the text of the fortune contains the letter “L,” pronounce it as “R.” Next, squint your eyes and protrude your front teeth. Walk over to a nearby table and peepee in someone’s Coke. Why not attempt some kung fu? The proprietors of the restaurant will find this charming, as it is their custom.
Run over the proprietor of the restaurant with a tank, as it is their custom.
If the fortune is the variety that contains “Lucky Numbers,” drag your family to the nearest casino and play Keno until dawn.
Read the fortune as “You will expose yourself before a crowd in the near future.” Swallow the paper and disrobe slowly while screaming, “It’s fate!
Skip the cookie and sit silently under the black cloud of China’s rapid development into a formidable world power.
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