Jesus’s Facebook Profile.

Name: Jesus H. Christ

Networks: Ancient Israel, Heaven

Sex: Male

Interested in: People

Looking for: Friendship

Whatever I can get

Birthday: 12/25/0000

Hometown: Nazareth

Political Views: Pro-Caesar

Religious Views: It’s complicated.

Top Friends: Saint Peter, Saint John, Judas Iscariot

Groups: Major Religious Figures, I’m With God, There Were Just So Many Fish and Loaves, My Mom Is A Forty-Year Old Virgin, I Just Tried To Ford The River and My Fucking Oxen Died, Stop Inviting Me To Join Your Groups, Enough With The Poking—Let’s Just Have Sex Already.

Vampires Vs. Werewolves:

Status: Jesus is a Level 0 Werewolf.He has bitten no one.


Judas Iscariot tagged Jesus in a photo.

Saint Peter tagged Jesus in a photo.

Jesus is no longer in a relationship.

Jesus changed his profile picture.

Personal Info:

Activities: praying, saving souls, forgiving people, fighting Satan, chilling

Interests: origami, world peace

Favorite Music: Nine Inch Nails, Judas Priest

Favorite TV Shows: Battlestar Galactica

Favorite Movies: Chariots of Fire, The Ten Commandments, Star Wars.

Favorite Books: TI-83 Instruction manual, the Torah, pretty much anything that has a good story and lots of words in it

Favorite Quotes: “I can see!I can see!” –This blind guy that I cured with my touch

“I can walk!” –This lame guy, whom I also cured

“Darn you, Jesus!” –Satan

About Me: I love you.

My Purity Test:

Jesus’s Purity Rating is: 100%.

The Wall (Displaying 5 of 777 posts):

Judas Iscariot (Ancient Israel): we need to talk.

Saint Peter (Ancient Israel): hey, i saw what U wrote on John’s wall. U are so AWESOME, and I mean that literally.

Judas Iscariot (Ancient Israel): 30 pieces of silver! I know, crazy, right?

Judas Iscariot (Ancient Israel): i’m cluttering your wall! hey, disciples, check out who’s writing on JC’s wall! that’s right, me, bitches!

Mary Magdalen (Ancient Israel): haha awesome, I love the new pic. call me!