Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
August 14, 2007
All right, I know I’ve been referencing the final exam for a while now, not telling you exactly what it is. But today I’m finally going to explain to everybody how the final works in this class.
Yeah! Tell us!
All right. The rest of you are finally ready to know. The final in this class, is to convince me what grade you deserve on it. This is, after all, negotiations class!
(Class is silent. Stunned. Confused. Excited.)
That’s right. No questions, no answers. Just convince me of what grade you want, and we will negotiate your final score. You vs. Me. It will be worth 65% of your grade.
(Professor bites his lower lip and raises his eyebrows, knowing that he’s really cool for thinking of such an experimental concept.)
Four Weeks Later Finals Time
Rach! Come on in, its your turn!
Okay Rach. Shoot. Whadyou think you deserve on this final? Remember: there are no wrong answers.
You fail. Next! Brian!
Minus! An A-Minus!
Because I’ve been doing pretty well in class but I could have participated more.
Weak argument. C-. Have a great summer.
Great counter offer. B+. See you in the fall. Bye.
You reek of desperation. F. Leave. Goodbye. Should have taken the C.
A+. I love it. I'm so proud of you.
Are you even
B-, and that's if you leave right now. Right this second.
Are you just rolling a die?
each number has a corresponding letter.
(rolling a five):
Congrats, Rachel. E+. Call in Brian. He's next.
(Rachel leaves, confused, almost crying. Brian scoots in the door sideways past her)
Coast is still clear.
Great. I'm gonna kick you out again when the next person comes, just make sure no other teachers see this. Nobody gets my teaching style, Brian. Nobody can see me doing this.
You can count on me, professor.
I owe you big time man.
Just give me an A- and we'll call it a day.
E+. And you have to stand guard during next semester's finals too.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.