The Internet is already buzzing with the computer news of the day – an Internet Explorer patch that fixes security holes and adds new bookmarking features. People, your bookmarks are never going to be the same. We're thrilled with the enthusiasm everybody is already showing.

Of course every time Microsoft comes along and reinvents the industry, some random competitor is going to try to steal our thunder. Like today, Apple had some desperate attempt to distract people with a ridiculous ipod/phone hybrid absolutely no one wants. Yeah it's neat… but let me tell you about this awesome new Microsoft phone.

I shouldn't be talking about this at all. I don't know why I'm making this world-shattering announcement on some random college site. That really doesn't make much sense at all. Everything else I say from this point on is double super top secret so don't tell anyone!!!!

For the past twenty years, Microsoft has been working on something called the mPhone. I know how similar the names look, but we came up with ours first and you pronounce them completely differently. You don't say m-Phone like you're some idiot third grader taking a spelling exam. It's "maphown." You try to say it like it's one syllable, even though it's kinda two. Let's call it one and a half. It's this kind of outside-the-box thinking that made me the richest man in the world. Oh you know what? I think I'm going to capitalize the N, and say it stands for "new".

Think the iPhone's screen is cool? Then you are going to SHIT YOUR DICK when you see the mphONe's two screens. You can watch two movies at once. Or a movie and a TV-show. Or a TV-show and a movie. With mpHONe, the choice is yours. (Note: we don't support two TV shows at once yet. We hope to have that in a firmware update this summer.)

Also, their phone costs $500! Nobody but me can afford that, and I'm sure not buying one. The MPhoNe is not only free, it's also covered in diamonds, gold, or even both if you want. Man, it looks so boss. I wish I could show you guys a picture but the guys in research and development would kill me. Here's a sketch I did in Microsoft Paint (another note: not Apple Paint), so you have an idea.


We think you will like the mphoNe so much, we would like to send you to the moon. I'd like to see the iPhone get reception up there.

Let me ask you this – if iPhone is so great, how come I've never seen a celebrity use it? Microsoft has already signed exclusive cell phone deals with Kelly Osbourne, one of the Jackass guys, the surviving snakes from Snakes on a Plane, and Melinda Gates.

You know what? THERE'S A WAR GOING ON, PEOPLE! We should be talking about important things. Things besides cell phones. Did you guys see Pursuit of Happyness? SO GOOD. This may finally be Will Smith's Oscar. Discuss.