Vodka: You can’t handle liquor. You are most likely a girl, surrounded by a group of friends and you carry colorful mixers. While three shots may get you drunk, you would prefer to drink one, and then pretend like you are tripping over yourself. That way, when I finally get you back to my room, you “aren’t in the mood anymore”
Most Heard Quote from Vodka Drinker: “I just love this party. You smell nice. I know this song!”
Cheap Beer: Dude, you are like a frat guy, bro. When not popping your collar, doing the elephant walk (click here if you dont know), or giving high fives, you are slamming down Solo cup after Solo cup of this stuff. Ignore the fact that you have a giant stain all over the front of your shirt after your 6th beer bong, you are the man, bro.
Most Heard Quote from Cheap Beer Drinker: “Hey bro, wanna chill?”
Whiskey: With a southern drawl and large cup of coke (or pop, or soda, or cola, of fizzy), you own whiskey. You, Mr. Whiskey drinker, scare the piss out of me. You consume bottles like it is water, and you often summon the prehistoric desire to fight me. You women are submissive and dependent, and when you fail out of school, I will be the one comforting them, naked.
Most Heard Quote from a Whiskey Drinker: “Yall stoopid”
Everclear: The fact that your esophagus is burning does not matter, my friend, you are a hardcore alcoholic. The world zips past you, as you walk in slow motion at the parties. Family, friends, and even facebook stalkers, now refuse to contact you for fear of your reaction. Also, you currently have a bullet lodged in your sternum after you pushed some guy over, but do not be afraid, champ, your whole body is numb.
Most Heard Quote from an Everclear Drinker: “Woahhhhhhhhhhhhhhie”
Bong Water: I feel you man, but it’s not gonna be legalized. You are a serious pothead, and a stupid one at that. A normal pot smoker knows that there is not enough THC left in the water to get any additionally high, but not you. You are the type of person who ate paint chips as a child. So when I see you outside the house, puking, I will salute you Bong Water drinker, because I will never be you.
Most Heard Quote from a Bong Water Drinker: “Did it just get shaky in here or is it me…? I am not feeling so w… BLAHHHHH! (sound of puking)”
Water: Please don’t ever talk to me, little miss Water drinker. Sure, it is the basis of life, but you are at a party for God’s sake, so drink like it. I know you have church in the morning, but that’s when you should drink water, not now. It’s okay to be dainty and all sober, because you “have to watch out for friends”, but just the mere sight of you ruins my night.
Most Heard Quote from a Water Drinker: “Oh, it’s just water. Yes, yes, just water.”