Dear Mama Celeste,
Let me start off by saying that your pizza is excellent. It is truly the king of the hill when I’m looking for a near-perfect meal that doesn’t require me cooking or waiting too long for it to be done. Some may argue that Hot Pockets are better, but don’t let that get to you. While I enjoy a “two minute miracle” as much as the next guy, when it comes to frozen entrees, I don’t think anyone can hold a candle to your authentic Italian cuisine.
But I do have a concern that I was hoping you could address. There’s no doubt that your pizza is incredibly delicious; the problem is, it just might be too delicious. For the past seven years, I have been burning the roof of my mouth because I can’t help but eat the pizza as soon as it comes out of the microwave without fail, every single time, for SEVEN years. At first, I thought it might be MY fault I mean, shouldn’t I have learned my lesson from the last fifty times I did the same exact thing?
After thinking about it for a while though, I realized that it is physically impossible to wait until a Mama Celeste pizza cools before trying to eat it. I don’t know if it’s the tangy sauce, the gooey cheese, or the delectable crust – maybe even a combination of all three – but your product is simply too damn good for any human to resist eating.
So if you could just make it a TINY bit less scrumptious. I can’t handle the pain anymore.