You can tell a lot about a person by what they eat. So I’ve been keeping notes. I currently work in a bagel bakery and I’ve been watching to see what kinds of people order what kinds of bagels. Here’s a small sample of what I’ve discovered.

Parmesan Bagel made in to a turkey deli sandwich – This selection screams of ordinariness. Sure it’s delicious and safe, but it’s pretty much the same thing everyone gets. So if you like to look, act, and eat like everyone else. Go for this.

Wheat Bagel with Vegetable Cream Cheese – If someone orders this, you can be sure they’re going to be a pain in the ass. You see, they think they’re being healthy with the wheat and the low fat and the veggies, but what they don’t realize is that I don’t care. Most of the time a girl will order this if she’s with a guy, to show that she’s watching her figure for him. However, if she comes in alone, she’ll get the Lard Covered Bagel with extra Bacon Fat Cream Cheese, which by the way is delicious.

Plain Bagel with Plain Cream Cheese – Boring.

Cinnamon Sugar Bagel with Cream Cheese – This is a popular combination. It’s easy to understand why as well. The problem with this one is the Cinnamon Sugar bagel is stickier than my roommate’s keyboard. I guess some people just kind of like things a little messy.

Everything Bagel with Pretty Much Everything On It – The everything bagel, at least at my bagel shop, has pretty much everything savory on it. Like onion, garlic, salt, etc. This screams of indecision. Most of the time people see the onion bagel and say “Hmm that looks good.” Then they see the garlic and say, “Oh but that looks good too. You know what? Why don’t I just go with the everything? Best of both worlds right?” WRONG! If you can’t make up your damn mind about what kind of bagel you want, how do you manage to make it through each day?

What do you recommend? – Words can not properly express how much I hate it when a person asks this. I can understand in a fancy restaurant where the menu items are in a language you don’t understand, but this is a bagel bakery. We have bagels. I recommend you get a bagel with some stuff on it. Most of the time I play along and suggest something I like, only for them to respond with, “Oh I don’t like (insert whatever I said here)” Ok then, figure it out for yourself jackass.

Oh and have a nice day!