Cooper: I expect that the two of you know each other.

Hatsumi: Yes, we met at a conference a few months ago.

Beard: Was that in Denver?

Hatsumi: Yeah, we were both staying at the Sheraton, great hotel.

Beard: I must say that the complimentary breakfast was delightful.

Hatsumi: They really go out of their way.

Cooper: So, gentleman do you know why I've called you here together?

Beard: No.

Hatsumi: I mean we practically have nothing in common.

Cooper: See Hatsumi, that's where you're wrong, Ninjas and Pirates have a lot in common.

Beard: I don't see what you're getting at.

Cooper: Well both of your images are in need of a facelift.

Hatsumi: We're both doing good.

Cooper: But here at Eric Cooper Publicist Extraordinaire and Associates, we want you to be doing great. You see I want to make you both a pop cultural phenomenon.

Beard: Well, I don't know.

Cooper: What do you think of when I say the word: Robots?

Beard: A human shaped metal box that talks like this.

Hatsumi: I think of a cool dance.

Cooper: Hatsumi, it's funny that you say that, because I actually invented The Robot Dance in the late seventies to improve the image of Robots here and abroad. You see before the seventies, Robots were derided by popular culture as being only for nerds. But by developing a dance, I was able to connect Robots to urban culture. Mainstream America appropriated it pretty soon afterwards. Hell, The Robot still is the dance for awkward white guys. I improved the image of the Robot, and that's exactly what I'm going to do for both of you.

Beard: How?

Cooper: I'm going to concoct a war between Ninjas and Pirates?

Hatsumi: Why would we want to fight each other? Pirates are an affable lot.

Beard: Yeah, some of my best friends are ninjas.

Cooper: It doesn't matter how you really feel about each other. In fact this will actually benefit both of you immensely. This is PR gold.

Beard: I like gold.


Cooper: After this war between Ninjas and Pirates take off, people will start siding with either one of you. People with a more refined clinical approach to things will side with Ninjas, and people with a rugged sensibility will probably side with Pirates.




Hatsumi: But we don't want people to have to choose which one of us is better.

Cooper: I like to look at it this way, after this project is a success, people will be thinking about a Ninja or a Pirate in every home in America. Right now our studies indicate that only 1 : 2,795 homes have discussions about Ninjas and 1 : 988 homes have discussions about Pirates.

Beard: Looks like we're winning.

Cooper: Hey, save it for this fictitious war you guys.

Beard / Hatsumi: Ha Ha Ha.

Cooper: So are we in agreement?

Hatsumi: Well I guess I'll be hiding in the shadows from now on.

Beard: And I guess I'll be ARRRRgreeing to this proposal.

Cooper: I'm excited to be working with both of you.