Welcome to college. Since the first thing everyone will notice about you is how incredibly new you are to the area/scene/gloryholes, it’s time you learned how to be a snob right off the bat. There are many different types of snob, but you can only truly be one. Choose wisely.

  1. The Music Snob: Since hipsters hate everything that’s available to the public already, it’s really hard to be a music snob nowadays. However, to avoid being a hipster, you can to go one step farther. All music sucks. The only good music is not music. That’s right. The only good music nowadays is books. No album will ever be as good as the book it was based on. People will ask you, “how do you listen to a book?” And you can say, “carefully, dumbass.” And then you’re well on your way to being a snob, providing no real concrete reasons for you latent superiority other than impeccable rudeness.

  2. The Townie Snob: “What’s your major? Where are you from? What music do you like? That’s cool, thank god you’re not a fucking townie. God I hate townies, they’re always coming around here, drinking their cheap, affordable macro-brews and being construction workers and not college students, and they’re always taking up space at the bar in their own town. Man. God I hate townies. One time I hooked up with a townie girl but then I threw her out of a third story window and she landed on someone she knew because they were both from the same town- what assholes.”

  3. The Jock-at-a-Smart-School-Snob: All it takes is a head-nod, some latent arrogance, and a belief that your spot at a prestigious school was earned by hard work, not by your being 6’5”, and you’re all set. Just walk around campus, believing that the reason you aced all the classes on the “athlete’s list” was because you’re actually pretty diligent. Remind yourself that you can’t get a D or else you're ineligible for your next season, and consider that a lot of pressure, unlike the pre-meds who get one B and can’t get into any decent med-schools. Also, pat yourself on the back a lot for having soooooo much less time to do your work than everyone else, who runs three clubs and has 2 majors and 4 minors. This is Amherst/Yale/Penn/Cornell/Swarthmore, and those kids totally don’t understand what it means to work as hard as you.

  4. The Sober Snob: Drinking is just stupid, according to you, who doesn’t need to drink to have a good time, because you’re crazy when you’re sober. You totally have, like, a cowboy hat, and take pictures of yourself making crazy faces and doing unpredictable things that are totally spontaneous and post them on Facebook. You’re just living life, having fun and really gleaning as much from the experience as you can. Too bad you’re addicted to heroin.

  5. The Non-Racist Snob: Man, racism sucks, doesn’t it? No snob can quite top the vague self-righteousness of the non-racist snob, because there’s nothing to top. If you don’t like them, racism is good, and if you do like them, you admit that they’re way ahead of the curve on race-relations, and you’re just trying to follow suit. To be a non-racist snob, simply give away all your free dining hall meals to crackheads, and mock your friends for being afraid of sitting next to a smelly, desperate human being who might’ve killed that jogger last week in the park just for something to pawn for a vial or two.