This summer I decided to venture out into the world to seek out those educational opportunities that exist beyond the bounds of the classroom walls and expand my mind, experiencing culture and diversity abroad to once and for all find out exactly how cheep beer in Asia is. My journey through Thailand and Laos left me with the realization of two things: a liter of beer for the equivalent of one dollar is one hell of a bargain, and, the air travel industry thinks we are retarded.

Flying has always been uncomfortable given the small seats and food that tastes like regurgitated tiger feces (incidentally a delicacy in Southern China), and then 9/11 happened and airports became a cluster fuck of metal detectors, then some terror plot involving liquid explosives was foiled in England and now we can’t bring toothpaste on planes. I don’t think toothpaste was part of a terror plot really, I think that the British just didn’t know what it was. Let’s face it; they are as famous for their dental hygiene as for their unicorn population. Of course not all of the things banned from planes are as ludicrous as toothpaste, for example bombs are prohibited. I totally get that, but the bomb they show is the old school, cannon-ball-with-a-fuse style explosive device as though the Taliban shops at the same bomb store as Wiley Coyote. Seriously though, what the fuck?

The TSA security measures certainly bear the hallmark of being designed by retards rather than being designed for retards, however, once passengers make it on the plane the system hits a role reversal. Each flight starts off with a safety demonstration in which emergency exits are pointed out and flight attendants teach everyone how to use a seatbelt. Wait, the big end goes in the little end and you pull to release? That’s so weird, I saw a similar invention in the car on the way here, thanks for the update, but I’m not fucking retarded. As if this demo weren’t enough to belittle the intellectual capabilities of every passenger the airlines have the balls to tell you that “in the event of a water landing seat cushions can be used for flotation”. This is all very courteous and technological of them, but a water landing? When the fuck has that worked out in the history of ever? I’m no aeronautics expert, but I’m pretty sure that when traveling at 500mph a water landing will have the same end result for me as a landing on a field of jagged metal spikes. Perhaps instead of spending their energy to treat us like a moron the flight attendants could dedicate their efforts to saving us from the real dangers we face when flying such as small talk gone wrong. I actually had a guy next to me say ‘my balls hurt when I breathe’ when I asked him how he was doing. Luckily I was prepared with the only fail safe remedy I know for that situation, a handful of ambient and some cheap Asian beer.

Satirizing from the skies,
Kyle Smith