Identification: Congratulations! You graduated high school and have made the choice to advance yourself and further your education at the University level. Now you will finally be treated like an adult that is, by everyone other than Mandatory-attendance-professor. In this class, it’s not what you know, but where your ass is that counts. The midterm and final are worth 20%, combined, while daily attendance for this course, which meets from 7am – 10:30am Monday through Thursday with a lab on Saturday nights, makes up the other 80%. Think you’re clever and will have a friend sign you in? Think again, this professor takes attendance via retinal scan backed up by DNA analysis.
Known Enemies: Valid doctor’s notes justifying absence. “How dare you schedule a doctor’s appointment during my class time! Did you come to college to learn or did you come here to get chemotherapy?”
Identification: Technically speaking, anyone who has completed a PhD possesses a doctoral knowledge of their field and Lit-professor-who-insists-on-being-called-“doctor” will make damn sure you know this. Any attempts to call them “professor” will be rebuked. If anyone were to sustain massive injuries during their lecture and someone were to hysterically shout, “Is anyone a doctor in here?” this professor would eagerly reply “YES!” When the problem was found to be a matter of how do restart cardiopulmonary functions and not of how John Milton’s Paradise Lost reconciles Christian and Pagan traditions and the broader social implications of the juxtaposition of these two seemingly disparate concepts this professor will be unable to help and will declare that our society’s disinterest in fine literature is the greatest injury of all.
Known Enemies: Real doctors.
Identification: Since the dawn of civilization man has posed questions and delved into the nature of the institutions and laws that govern our lives, both natural and man made. Fortunately for you, the student, Professor-who-wrote-their-own-textbook has managed to compile all of the pertinent recorded information on their broad area of study all within a single volume they wrote with an affordable price of $462.15. Luckily for you they just produced a new edition, rendering all used texts obsolete, so you wont have to deal with ugly, pre-highlighted books. The book jacket calls it “a comprehensive, advanced text that makes learning fun for students!” This professor also wrote the book jacket.
Known Enemies: Students who share books with their room mate, because “you learn so much more by getting to read and highlight your own copy.”
Identification: The academic community often refers to math as the language of the world, but unless you have studied at great depth other world languages such as Mandarin, Hindi, or Ukrainian you probably aren’t going to understand anything said in your math class by English-is-their-4-or-5-language-professor. This professor holds 5 advanced degrees from universities in Central-Eurasia and 3 major awards for applied physics in the Balkan states. What this professor lacks in English speaking abilities they also lack in basic communication skills. The awkward math nerd is a very international concept. They will face the board and rapidly write formulas with notes in Sanskrit. You not understand and will subsequently fail this class then retake it over the summer at a community college where you will get an A.
Known Enemies: Illegal immigrants, centaurs.