Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Oh, The People I Meet II
September 26, 2007
Hey, I'm guy who thinks you look like a friend of mine. Man, that is insane! You look just like this guy you've never met. Hey, hold on, I
to get other people over here and point at your face like you're some sort of freak. Guys hey guys! This guy looks
like that other guy! Now let me ask you if you get mistaken for my friend all the time? No? Oh Oh, ok. I'm going to shield my disappointment by asking if I can take a picture with you.
Man, that was the most fun I'll have all month. Oh, in case you were wondering, I'm going to be calling you my my friend's name all night! Isn't that funny?! Sometimes I'll even shout it across the room! God, I'm so observant.
Phew, hey man, it's me, sweaty dude. Yikes, can somebody open a window or something, I'm dying here. Yeah, I'm wearing a two shirts and a blazer, but still! I'm going to ask you if you're hot and when you say kind of, I'm going to use that to trick myself into thinking I'm not the sweaty guy but, in fact, just a normal human. Watch as I casually wipe my face on my shoulder. Betcha couldn't even tell I was wiping sweat from my face! Oh, you could? Anyway, let's talk about something else momentarily before returning to the topic of how sweaty I am. Times up. Jeez man, has the dude who lives here ever heard of a fan? Anyways, I'm going to make up an excuse to go somewhere and towel off but I'll be back later to complain.
Holy shit is that FUCKIN'-A man, it's me, Guy you were kind of friends with in high school! Let's show more affection for each other than our temperate friendship 10 years ago warrants! Oh man, let's talk about the one thing we did together. What a blast that thing was. Oh, now that we have nothing left to talk about, let me ask you if you're still dating the same girl you were almost a decade ago? No? Sorry to hear it, man, she was hot when we were 16. So, now is the part where I ask you what you're up to these days, wait a few seconds and then proceed to tell you about my life. Well, this has been mildly entertaining but I have a fake thing I have to get to. Here, let's give each other our numbers so we can never call each other.
Oh God, I'm so sorry. I'm girl who apologizes for her drunk friends. God, they're so drunk. I'm so sorry they cut you in the bathroom line. It's just that they think because they're attractive they can do whatever they want. Let's both have a little laugh at them. Ugh, so embarrassing. What's that? Oh no, I'm no better than they are. I'm cutting you in line and going into the bathroom, too. The only difference is that I took a nanosecond to apologize so you'll think I'm a good person. You're such a sweetie. I'm going to come find you later so you can buy me something.
Hey there, I'm your girlfriend's gay friend. Isn't it funny how we both like your girlfriend but we hate each other?
I don't like you because you get in the way of me crying about all my problems to your girlfriend all day. You don't like me because you think I'm just putting on an act to get attention. But we still pretend we get along! Oh, let me give you a shallow compliment on your sneakers. Oh look, here comes your girlfriend! I'm going to grab her boobs and call her a bitch and she's not going to care because I'm gay! You, however, will storm off in a rage and start to question whether you're a bigot who hates all homosexuals or a normal person who just hates me. Either way, I'm going to call your girlfriend at 4:30 AM because I'm feeling fat.
What's that? Oh, hey, I'm guy listening to my iPod at a party. Yeah man, I do like music! How did you know? Here, take an earbud and listen to this shitty band I'm into right now. Don't they sound mildly different from other shitty bands? That's why I like them! Let me ask you what bands you're into so that I can be dismissive and arrogant when you answer. Do I know how to play an instrument? Oh no, not at all, but that doesn't stop me from being hyper-critical of people who do. Wait wait I love this part of this shitty song. Listen .MAN! That shit is mediocre!
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.