There are many careers out there that people can choose from. Some range from helping people such as a doctor, and go all the way to being a blue collard construction worker. However, of all of these careers, non are as prestigious, and/or dignified as the bum. Now I know what your going to say, “Nick, being a bum is easy. You seem to have that art mastered. You drink at your job, you wake up at noon everyday, you never seem to be doing homework or studying, and just in general, you’re a pile of shit.” First off, don’t judge me; second off, contrary to popular belief, I’m not yet a bum, I’m simply working towards becoming a full fledged one. Now you will ask, “Well then Nick, how can I become a bum?” Well, with roughly 10 years of training, I now am willing to share the secret art form to become a bum. I will teach you what you should wear, all the way to where you should sleep at night. So grab your grocery cart and get ready to learn.
Attire: Bums nowadays tend to go for that part lumberjack, part Will Farrell look.
A kind of like, “Hey! I’m tough and rugged, but I’m also incredibly funny to laugh at.”
Hair: This being one of the most intricate parts of the bums getup, this is something that you should put an exceptional amount of time and effort into. But don’t fear, blowdriers, combs and brushes are a relic of a bygone era. As a bum bits of food such as pizza or spaghetti noodles will replace your blowdrier; rat feces will replace the comb; and brushes? You’ll be using gum and your own natural hair grease to replace that useless item.
Teeth: Another very unique look. Bums don’t seem to believe that, “White teeth are happy teeth,” like normal people. But in fact, they hold the strong belief that, “No toofs are no problem.” This look is commonly emulated poorly by hockey players and boxers, however it takes a seasoned professional bum to really pull this one off.
Job: When talking about a bum, I use the term “Job” very loosely. A bums job can
range anywhere from drinking two 40’s and a bottle of vodka in a day or go all way to going on a corner axing for some spae chane. All I can really say is have fun with whatever career path you choose as a bum. The world is your workplace.
Bed: Now this is one of the best parts about being a bum. Your bed can be wherever you want it to be! Want it by a church? Go there! Want it under a bridge? Crouch under and have fun in your newly found fort. Like that house over there? Break in! Get creative, the world is your bed, so go sleep on it!
House: A house range anywhere from a cardboard box to a shopping cart. Each group has its pros and cons, so I will now list them for you.
Box: Pros: Stationary, easy expansion with one or two shoeboxes, collapsible, can sleep on top of it like snoopy sleeps on top of his dog house, and can be used as a funny sexual enuendo such as, “Hey wanna come look at my box?”
Cons: A little drizzle on your box will act like hurricane Katrina all over again and wipe you out. DRATS!
Shopping Cart: Pros: , a lower shelf to put your other appliances.
Cons: The bums trailer park :(.
Presentation: The presentation of being a bum is one of the last but not least part of being a bum. The posture of a bum should be somewhat slumped. Not so much to look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame’s back, but not so little like you look like Forrest Gump….before his leg braces where taken off. Next you should act like you don’t have a care in the world. Why you ask? Because you don’t, you’re a bum.
There you have it. I have broken down how to become a bum. So slump your posture, lose some teeth, get that poop in your hair, because now you have what it takes to become the next American wasteland.