In a vast sea of "Morning After" columns, I'm happy you've found your way to the only one that deals specifically with making fun of children! That's right, it’s time once again for everyone’s favorite Wednesday Night 8PM show on CBS! Kid Nation!
Yes, Kid Nation is a weak name, but marketing execs must have thought it was better than Pedophile Paradise or Tot Town.
As a struggling writer there is a problem I’m dealing with here…do I save my jokes for all 13 weeks of Kid Nation, or do I use them in rapid fire in case the show is cancelled? I know this may not seem like a big dilemma, but after putting so much work into my “The Morning After Anchorwoman” column (you burned me FOX!), I can’t be wronged like that again.
But on to the episode, because I’m extremely sick and need to sleep. Hopefully this means I’ll be extra bitter this week.
People, Hurricane Greg is on the horizon.
If you remember, last week, Greg promised that not being awarded the gold star was disrespectful to him, and he was going to “do something about it.” Needless to say, I’m on the edge of my friggen’ seat. Is this the week Greg finally flips out and cold clocks Mike? We can only hope.
But first, the kids of Bonanza City decided to have a party. As Mike said, “I think we just need one night to party on, baby!” Let me just tell you, reading that statement in text form is not nearly as disturbing as it was verbally.
Apparently, the red and green district both donated money so that they could rent out the saloon for the night and drink all the soda they want! It’s like a Discovery Zone, but without that hit the crocodile on the face game. Regardless, it raises a point I’ve been meaning to ask about: What happens to this money once the kids spend it? What is the economic system of Kid Nation? Like, what’s stopping the kids from just giving all the shit away for free? Can the producers step in and tell them to stop? I mean if they did, that wouldn’t be “no adults,” would it? And it’s not like the merchants get to keep the money for the stuff they sell. So, what happens with the money? And better yet, what is the point of it?
Basically the party was like a frat party with soda instead of beer. Or, I guess you could say it was exactly like every party ever hosted by Campus Crusade For Christ, just without the ping pong and scripture reading. The kids did “soda bombs” which seemed a little strange. I mean the only advantage (if you can even call it that) to dropping a shot glass into a glass of soda is that it makes a huge mess.
We’re about 5 minutes into Kid Nation, and so far the most exciting part this week is a new “Price Is Right” promo featuring Drew Carey. America’s most watched network!!!
Anyway, while the party is going on, 3 girls (Emilee, 8 year-old Mallory, and one other) decide that they don’t want to stay up and have fun. They’d rather go to bed. And then, the next morning, Mallory chastises the other kids for staying up all night. Fuck her…I don’t care if she’s 8.
Greg decides to wake Jared by repeatedly banging two pans or something together. According to Jared, “Greg is cruel and non-feeling.” Jared also claims that he only got four hours of sleep. See, our man is a party animal! I love that kid.
Okay, seriously, I’m still concerned about this journal the kids read from. Do they really think this is real? Don’t they find it odd that it changes everyday? I mean Taylor says “they never know what it’s going to say.” Well, maybe you could look ahead, Tay-Tay? Also, isn’t it strange it matches it up to the exact dates the show was filmed…just like 120 years earlier? God, I hate the producers of this show sometimes (read: all the time).
The big problem this week is that all the kids are tired from staying up late and doing shots of, um, root beer. Oddly enough, the journal suggests that maybe The Council should enforce a curfew on the kids of the town. The Council decides that 9:30 will be the official bedtime of Bonanza City. It’s like living under fucking Stalin. Laurel says that she thinks the kids are going to like a little structure in the town. Yeah, because I loved it when people told me to go to bed when I was a kid. Idiot.
OH SHIT! OH SHIT! Greg called a girl who stood up to him a little bitch! HE SAID BITCH. IT WAS AWESOME. Someone’s gonna have to put him in timeout.
Turns out, “bitch” was just the tip of the iceberg. Greg then accuses Sophia of “starting shit” and tells Laurel that she better just get away from him. Hurricane Greg has just been updated to a category 4.
Sophia, in typical girl fashion, reacts to Greg’s yelling by crying her eyes out. She claims that Greg’s influence over the town is too strong and soon he’s going to be beating everyone up. And by everyone, she just means his future wife.
Either way, the town then goes to a meeting where the curfew is announced. The kids are pleased, but then Taylor yells at them and everyone accepts the mandated bedtime. The lesson? If you’re attractive, you’ll probably get what you want.
Colton and two friends then go out and chase some cows around or something. Truth be told, I don’t know what they were…they might have been bulls. Either way, they had horns and Colton starred them down. I gotta give him props, I wouldn’t have gone near those things.
The yellow team starts a flour fight in the kitchen. It results in one kid walking out into the wind and having white shit fly off of him like he’s Sandman in Spiderman 3. Pretty disturbing. And they still don’t have breakfast.
Well, the Yellow Team finally produces some food. They end up just walking around and literally handing out home fries by hand. It reminds me of something you’d see in one of those “You can help this child for a dollar a day” commercials.
And it’s challenge time!
This week, the teams have to work together to round up sheep that all have playing cards with their team color around their neck. The sheep also have names spray painted on them. From what I understand, the council leaders have to stand above the game and shout out the sheep they want caught to their teammates. According to our host, the first one to finish gets a dollar. That must be what they tell the kids every morning at the Nike factory.
In a shocker*, the kids only have 5 minutes to complete the task compared to their normal hour. Greg says that’s he’s raised sheep and they’re pretty fast but you can catch them if you go slow. WHAT HAS THIS KID NOT DONE? You know, besides be nice. And while we’re talking about Greg, why is his chin always scrapped up? Does he have Laurel disease?
(*I would put it slightly above “Wait, Lance Bass is gay?” but way below “Holy shit! Sarah Schneider just made-out with a girl in that video!” in terms of “I’m shocked-ness.”)
According to Jared, the red team “sucked.”
I’d like to pause for a moment and ask: How is this okay? These kids are literally jumping on these sheep. It’s fucked up. How is this allowed? It’s not even entertaining.
Through the magic of television, this task that they only had 5 minutes to complete is taking like 10 minutes to broadcast. Well, either way, the kids complete the task with 10 seconds to spare and win a prize. But before we get to that, here’s how it broke down:
Upper Class – Yellow, Merchants – Blue, Cooks – Green, Laborers – Red.
So here’s the choice the kids have: Either a microwave and a barrel of cocoa, OR 40 hot pizzas. Holy shit, when Host Guy ever unveiled those pizzas it was like when people see their new house in Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. The kids FREAKED OUT.
The Council ends up choosing the microwave. Taylor defends the decision by flat out screaming at the other kids. They are not excited about the choice. My friend Alex raised a good question, what is the different between a normal microwave and a pioneer microwave? Answer: A pioneer microwave is painted some weird shade of brown.
DK is now freaking out because Taylor, who is 3 years his junior, shouldn’t have the right to talk to him with disrespect. He’s 14, and she’s only 11, damn it!
All of a sudden, a huge sandstorm is on the horizon. Like more powerful than Hurricane Greg. The kids all take cover as the storm blows shit all of over their town. And I mean that quite literally…the storm blows the outhouses over and spills their contents everywhere. The kids think this is awesome and go out in the sandstorm to watch poo spill everywhere. They then have to run back inside when the sand becomes too painful to stand in. This is the perfect example why kids should not be left alone to run their own society. Poo watching.
The gold star this week is coming down to Morgan or Greg. But WAIT! Mallory’s 9th birthday is coming up and giving her the star would be a great present.
But before we can award the star we have to ask 1. Does any one want to leave Bonanza? And 2. Does anyone have problems with the job the council is doing. The answer to no. 1 is “no.” (Fuck you, Emilee!) But half the town raises their hand about number 2. To make a long story short, Taylor cries and promises to stop being a bitch and yelling at the other kids. More on this as it develops. Are we about to have a Kid Nation revolution?
Anyway, the council ends up awarding the gold star to Mallory. Greg once again goes ape shit. He claims she only got it because it’s her birthday. And he’s right.
But forgetting that, Mallory earns a birthday phone call to her parents. On the phone her Dad claims that it’s been hard not having her around and everyday when the bus comes by at 3:00 he’s like “where’s Mallory?” I don’t man, MAYBE SHE’S IN THE FUCKING DESERT! I’m sick of these parents acting like they had nothing to do with this. Kevin Federline should take custody of all their kids.
This week’s Cry Count:Mallory – 1
Taylor – 2
Sophia – 1
Olivia (Mallory’s Sister) – 1
Amount of leadership activities Anjay has performed: 0
Okay, who’s got some good ideas for a drinking game? I couldn’t come up with any that I thought were really good. Message me your ideas. Winner does not get a gold star worth its weight in gold.
Talk to you next week. And don’t forget to JOIN THE JARED FACEBOOK GROUP. Invite all of your friends.
And, oh yeah, check out my website at //markzito.com or my radio show on Saturdays 12-3p on WJPZ 89.1 Syracuse.