I don’t even have to write an intro this week…I’ll just transcribe the first two seconds of the program:

Morgan: Sophia, do you think God put us here for a reason?
Sophia: God? I stopped believing in God a long time ago.

Whoa! Sophia, you’re 14! So jaded, but so young.

Not surprisingly, we get the official announcement that Jared is a Jew. Apparently, one time in school, someone said really mean things to Jared because he was Jewish. Jared, you’re from Atlanta! You have to learn to deal with these things! Just be glad you’re not part of Bad Newz Kennels.

The Council has now started to talk about the journal they read from like it’s a real person. They claim that they’re all nervous about what the journal is going to tell them. What is it, the fucking Sorting Hat?

Okay, honestly, this pisses me off.
The journal is now baiting these kids into discussing religion. WTF. It’s just so contrived. Honestly, we’re two episodes from the damn book being like “Back in the 1800’s, we had people who worked for us for no money! Consider making all the African-American children laborers. Don’t even ask them how they feel!”

But back to religion. See, the thing is, Kid Nation is actually a priest’s paradise. Well, half of it is. Actually 19/20. I miss you Jimmy.

Quick Thought: Things that are poor decisions: Talking shit about your future profession as a Cute Girl of the Week on CH and trying to start religion in a kid run society.

Anyway, The Council gathers all the kids and announces that they’d like to have 1 religious service where people from different religions all get up and speak for a little bit. The kids aren’t too excited, they worry that all the beliefs can’t coexist in one service. Divad*, from Georgia, even asks “Would you put democrats and republicans in the same room together? It’d start fights!” The answer, of course, is, um, yes. You would put them in the same room. It’s called fucking Congress. Southern Education at its best! Personally, I would go to the desert to get away from Sunday School. But I digress…

(*Clearly, her Dad’s name was David.)

We can only hope that this all leads to Greg strapping a bomb to himself and running into the saloon.

Laurel claims that she doesn’t understand why people wouldn’t want to learn about other people’s religions. My bet is that the kids just didn’t want to take communion from any cups that her lips touched.

Shit! Anjay is finally taking a leadership role! In fact, I think he almost went on a hunger strike to prove his points, then he realized that by living in the desert and eating nothing but home fries cooked by fucking nine year olds he was sort of already on one. But either way, the food probably smells better than any Indian cuisine.

Mike claims that he thinks it’s really important for the town to have religion and “technically” the council decides what the town does anyway. I’m sure when the producers started the show, forced religion was exactly what they had in mind.

Alex spits out a mouth full of acorns and tells us that he doesn’t see any reason why there are arguments about this. He decides to take a survey regarding the problem. He asks people if they are Orthodox or Progressive Jews. To be honest, I don’t know the difference but I think one group gets better rates on car insurance. (Snap!)

Not going to lie, his survey is actually quite comprehensive. He breaks down every religion into various parts like Sunni and Shiite, Catholic and Lutheran, and Count Chocula or Boo Berry.

Turns out that 10% of Kid Nation prays to Capn’ Crunch.

Anyway, The Council rings the bell to start the service…and no one comes. It’s very true to life. Let me explain: If you rape little boys, people won’t come to your masses. If you’re a bitch named Taylor, people won’t come either. Maybe they could all just get together and listen to a Jars of Clay or a Creed CD.

The kids end up having an unorganized ceremony which actually goes pretty well.

And it’s challenge time! And that’s where we get our Jared quote of the week. “I am not the kind of person that does the cheering stuff. I meditate.” Please note that this was said while he was lying horizontal on a bale of hay. Brokeback, indeed.

On to the challenge…

This week, the kids have to put together big puzzles to form a steeple. Then they must use a pulley system to raise the steeple. Normally I just raise the steeple looking myfreepaysite.com. I mean I get an erection. Boner. Hard on.

But anyway, um, the uhhh challenge. Right.

The kids have 30 minutes to complete the challenge. Anjay claims the he is one of the best puzzle people in the group. Wow. Congrats, dude. You’re 12. Nice work being better at puzzles than a bunch of 8 year-olds. Seriously though, it looks like the kids are pouring over a 15 foot penis.

The first two teams to complete the puzzle are red and blue. There’s then a race to raise them which took forever. Seriously, it was like watching that scene in the first Austin Powers with the steamroller.

Blue ends up winning.

It’s down to Yellow versus Green, and that means that Taylor might be a laborer! Shit!

Aw, Yellow finished third.

So that means Upper Class- Blue, Merchants – Red, Cooks – Yellow, Laborers – Green.

They also finished the challenge in time to get a reward.

And here are their prize choices…A TOTALLY FUCKING SWEET MINI-GOLF COURSE. Or, a totally lame collection of religious books.

I honestly, cannot believe this. They chose the books! That’s all I got. I’m shocked. They chose the books! They choose the fucking books! I mean without a mini-golf course, how is Jared going to take someone on a lame first date?But forgetting that, the next segment was awesome! Seriously, just when I thought nothing could top mini-golf…

I think we just had someone have their first period. Granted, the person was male. But, whatevs. This kid, Cody, started crying like a bitch. Apparently, he misses his girlfriend. This would be a good time to note that he’s NINE YEARS-OLD. Strangely, if you look at the picture of his main squeeze, she looks exactly like him! Her name is Ashley, and he’s liked her ever since 3rd grade. What does that mean, he’s liked her for like 2 months? He decides to go drink his sorrows away at the saloon. That was so funny, I almost peed a little.


Taylor once again refuses to do any work and Zach ends up rallying a bunch of people to start doing dishes. The council then discusses his chances to win the gold star. Taylor says she doesn’t really like him because he’s bossy. Isn’t that like the pot calling the kettle black? Or, you know, the bitch calling the bitch bitch?

It’s on to the town meeting where once again, the council’s (read: Taylor’s) leadership is questioned. It’s weird because every time someone questions her the rest of the group moans like she just got called to the principal’s office.

Host Guy comes in with a fucking gem. “Taylor, you have really thick skin or you just don’t listen…”

Anyway, it kind of dies out there.

It’s then time to find out if anyone wants to go home. Cody, sick of using Fleshlight, raises his hand. Wow, as he’s leaving Cody has a really gay moment with Campbell. Like I’m deep looks in the eyes, etc…
In the final act of business, the gold star goes to Morgan.

She calls her parents as Campbell hits the bar to mourn the loss of Cody.

The credits roll as we see Jared play a hole on his makeshift mini-golf course which consists of a glass jar and a 2×4. He made bogey. I love that kid.

Cry Count:
Religious Kid (Pussiest Cry Ever) – 1
Cody – 2
Random Blonde Girl At Meeting – 1
Brown Shaggy Haired Kid At Meeting (Campbell) – 1
Anjay – 1
Morgan – 1

Parting Thoughts:

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY. DRINK FOR ME TONIGHT. Obviously be safe and all, but have a great time…in honor of me. This year, I think I’ll wish for the opportunity to date a College Humor Cute Girl of the Day. Not a bad goal, no?

See you next week.

The drinking game! Thanks to everyone who sent/posted ideas…I picked my favorites. Play this game tonight! Hopefully if enough Cute College Girls of the Day play it, they’ll think I’m attractive.

The Official Kid Nation Drinking Game:

-Anytime someone cries, take a shot.
-Anytime there's an aside with Jared, you drink.
-Anytime Sophia knocks the town council, you drink.
-Anytime Host Guy asks if anyone wants to go home, two drinks.
-Anytime Colton does something badass, you drink.
-Anytime Anjay does a leadership activity, you an entire beer.
-Anytime Greg says he's done something, you drink.
-Anytime Greg is considered for a gold star, you drink.
-Anytime Greg is skipped over for a gold star, you drink.
-Anytime Mike cleans his glasses, you drink.
-Anytime Jared references something historical, you drink.
-IF Greg gets a gold star, you drink 3 shots.
-Choose the winner of the gold star before the show starts. If your choice wins, everyone else has to buy you a fifth of cheap liquor (But you can drink it whenever you want).


And don’t forget to JOIN THE JARED FACEBOOK GROUP. Invite all of your friends.

And, oh yeah, check out my website at //markzito.com or my radio show on Saturdays 12-3p on WJPZ 89.1 Syracuse.