Due to some recent relationship developments [read: I'm single, bitches!], I realized that I have dated a lot of straight girls. Straight girls fucking love me. I don’t really get why, and haven't exactly questioned it until now. I realized that whatever pattern of dating straight girls I seem to be into hasn’t exactly worked out in my favor [read: I'm single. Bitches.]. So, because I have obviously not had any part in the demise of my relationships, I decided to write an open letter to straight girls.
Dear Straight Girls,
First off, I’ll say that in my somewhat sordid sexual history, you’ve been great. Always chipper, always a fun little challenge.
However, I’ve become increasingly frustrated to the point of giving up on you. The following will no longer fly with me:
1. Talks about feelings. I’m sorry to dash whatever hopes you had about lacy silk pillow talk, but unless it’s a command or a compliment, don’t say it.
2. “But I’m straight!” Sweetheart, that statement doesn’t really hold a lot of weight if you’re straddling me. It’s alright, you’re not a lesbian, you don’t have to tell your parents; you’re Lillysexual. No shame.
3. I am not “the guy.” Neither are you. That’s sort of the point of all this for me.
4. “But it’s not real sex.” Listen, if whatever that awkward scissor game you’ve been playing with boys is sex, then no, our sex is not “real sex.” Ours would be called “Good sex.”
5. Flannel is not lingerie. Unless we’re trapped on a mountain, don’t even try it. It’s called Victoria’s Secret, not LL Bean’s Awkward Night Together.
6. Great news! Boobs work the same on every girl. Go for it.
7. The scenes from porn movies involving pillow fights, locker room showers, teaching each other how to kiss? Yeah, those are based entirely in reality. Watching those scenes is so much like looking into a mirror. Study up.
But Straight Girls, don’t take this as an all out bash against you. This was written for both of our benefit. It wish I knew how to quit you.