Question:
When I pee it hurts. I’m not talking about the prickly “it feels nice” stuff. I mean the “shit there is liquid fire coming out of me”. Did I mention the green goo? Because there is this green goo……. well, yeah, you get the idea.

Answer:
Remember that person you woke up with after that killer party. You remember, they had a huge case of backne and you’re pretty sure that mole blinked at you. Well, turns out you’re worst fear did happen, you had sex with it. Not to worry, a trip to the doctor and some antibiotics will clear that right up. Unfortunately there is no medication for the shame. Congratulations on the STD!

Question:
My eye is like really kinda red, but no worse than on 4/20/07 (dude, I was soooo wasted). Oh, and it itches worse than my balls 3 days after I shaved Larry and Moe for that hot chick. There is also this sticky yellow stuff, like the stuff I found on my jeans after that one stripper, but without the smell.

Answer:
First, stop touching nasty things and then poking yourself in the eye. Second, drop some visine in that sucker and see a doctor. Enjoy the pink eye bro!