Yes, 105%-o-matic's bid for the presidency is legit

Some of my fondest memories of high school are when I would get drunk and go to the football games, although I always felt that the alcohol impaired my ability to play quarterback.
Jesus on Halloween
"Drink this wine, it is my blood. Eat this bread, it is my body. Close your eyes and feel this spaghetti, it's my braaaaains!"
Sam Reich
Stand-Up of the Sphinx
"What goes on four legs in the morning, on two legs at noon, and on its back with its legs over its head in the evening? My wife. This guy knows what I'm talking about."
I saw "Bee Movie" this weekend. It's more like "Why, movie?"

(note: I did not actually see "Bee Movie.")
Honest Pickup Lines
- Are you going on a trip because you seem like you have some baggage.
- Did you just fall from heaven or get in a fight with a Rottweiler?
- You look like the type of girl who would put out if I buy you a drink.
Parents Just Don't Understand – 2048 Edition
After stepping out of my hover-car, my father ran into the backyard (which is flourescent orange) and asked me how to turn off our floating computer-sphere using an actual button! Also he uses AOL 3.0.
Q: What do you call a freshman pledge?
A: training brah.