Denial

What? No dude I’m not fucking drunk now just gimme my fucking keys. Look at me I’m fine. Seriously I haven’t had a drink in like 2 hours. That’s the legal time for being sober or some shit. This? I’m just holding it for somebody. Why do you give a shit who? Seriously fuck you I’m fine. See that couch over there? I bet I could jump to it from here… Could a drunk guy do that? What? Dude just shut up and watch this shit.

Anger

OH SHIT. What the FUCK man? Why the fuck were you talking when I jumped? You fucking distracted the SHIT out of me. I would have made it easy if you weren’t over here blabbering like a little bitch. I’m gonna fuck you up you up as soon as I get my leg out of this OH.. Oh.. Shit. Fuck I think it’s broken.. HELP ME UP YOU DOUCHE*blaarg*

Bargaining

Dude… Just gimme a ride home and I’ll give you roadhead. Say what? Fuck you I said do it or you’re dead. Seriously man I just need to get the fuck back to my dorm. Remember that time I didn’t shame you when you fell asleep on my couch. You fuckin’ owe me dude. I could have done anything to you and I just let you sleep like a little princess. Huh? No I said I should have put you in a dress. What? …I’m totally ga*blaarg* … … BLAAARRRG

Depression

No burp No don’t touch me I’m fine. Just lemme put on my jacket and I’m fuckin’ walkin’ home. Alright peace I’m out. Wait, who put this fucking pant on my arms? And where the fuck are my legs? I am so fucked. I have a midterm in like 5 hours and, huh? It’s what in the morning? Holy fuck I have a midterm in like 4 minutes. This shit is getting serious… I’m such a fuckin' loser. This is the shit that girls hate about me… I’m gonna die alone.

Acceptance

Well that’s it. Are you fucking happy now? Whatever it’s no biggie…A lot of rich fuckers failed out of college. Like Bill Gates, man. Didn’t he get kicked out for binge drinking or someting? And look at Jesus, do you think HE ever went to fucking college? NO. And he must have been mad rich back in the day. He probably had like 15 camels or some shit. So it’s cool. Na I’ll just walk it off… Just gimme my fuckin’ legs so I can bounce. BLAARG