1. “There’s no time like the present.” Actually, the very recent past and immediate future both resemble the present to a fairly high degree.

  2. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” Also, go screw yourself.

  3. “You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.” He’s kind of an asshole if he doesn’t, though, so at least you’ll have the moral high ground.

  4. “Half a loaf is better than none.” With two notable exceptions: meat loaf and Meat Loaf.

  5. “One cannot shoe a running horse.” Ah, but one can shoo a running horse, and Juan can shoe a running horse. Juan’s awesome.

  6. “God helps those who help themselves.” That’s what I’ve always liked about God: his laissez-faire attitude toward the destitute.

  7. “Hold your horses.” Yeah. Hold ‘em. Just like that. Now pet them. Softer. Softer. Yeah. That’s niiiice. Now kiss one… slowly.

  8. “Money is the root of all evil.” And trees are the root of most money. Down with trees!

  9. “Curiosity killed the cat.” But if anybody asks, I was with you from 7 to 10 last night.

  10. “In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.” Also, traffic is a bitch.

  11. “Don’t get your panties in a bunch.” This is horrible advice; it’s smarter to buy in bulk.

  12. “The best things in life are free.” I think less people would use this saying if they knew it was initially created as the motto for the International Union of Rapists.

  13. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” That’s so true… and, incidentally, it also explains my ever-increasing craving for heroin.

  14. “Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach him to fish, and he’ll eat for a lifetime.” But sell a man a fish without teaching him squat and you, sir, have got yourself a marketing strategy.

  15. “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.” Or part of the precipitate. Or maybe you were simply immiscible to begin with? I don’t know; it’s been a long time since AP Chem.

  16. “He wears his heart on his sleeve.” He suffers from a rare and difficult-to-treat cardiovascular condition, and it was the only way the doctors could find to keep him alive.

  17. “A clear conscience is a soft pillow.” But if, like me, you enjoy being a total bastard, you can always just go out and buy a soft pillow ($14.99 at Target).

  18. “Good fences make good neighbors.” You know what else makes good neighbors? Mormons. Nice people, those Mormons.

  19. “Every cloud has a silver lining.” That’s how my uncle Duane made his first million: poaching clouds for their lucrative pelts.

  20. “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.” …And lined with candy canes, lollipops, and stardust. It’s really quite breathtaking, even though it leads to Hell. Sort of like the Manhattan side of the Holland Tunnel.