Ah, sex. It's fun for everyone, am I right? Of course I am; I know about these things. Sex is a wonderful experience for at least one of the two-to-thirty people involved, so when it comes time to get busy, few of us turn down the opportunity. The people who do turn it down are obviously disturbed, since sex is the safest thing two people can do to one another without involving animal trainers. It just rocks.

Of course, there are other, ahem, "avenues" for the sex-enthusiast to—excuse me, ahem—go down. There are more than a (insert arbitrary number) different things you can do in bed without looking like an over-imaginative pervert; most people have even heard of these things. Of the countless variations of normal sex, none is so lauded as oral sex. For whatever reason, oral sex is probably the best feeling on Earth, next to winning the lottery, seeing your first-born child brought into the world, and winning the lottery again.

It is so wonderful, and yet so simple. Most of us have mastered the basic mechanics of oral sex before we have even learned to walk. That sounds much worse than I intended, but it's still accurate: all you have to do is—much like an infant child with his stewed apricots—go to town on that shit and don't use any teeth. It's really that simple, kiddos. The complicated part for some people is how to properly enjoy the experience without seeming insensitive or too self-involved. Of course, most of these people are men. Therefore, I have concocted this helpful guide to aid you insensitive assholes in the proper way to enjoy oral sex.

1)If You Ask For It, Ask Nicely. No one wants to hear "Slob on this meatcicle, you fat cockslut!" screamed into their face while they're trying to be intimate. Instead, use words like "please," "penis" and "cocklady" to persuade your adoring partner. Don't use hand gestures or Navy semaphore to try to get your point across; most women aren't male sailors, and they won't understand you. Don't jab your penis at them in a threatening manner or pseudo-fellate your own finger as a hint. A useful phrase that sounds more genteel than "Stop yammering and you put your face in my crotch" is "I think you're pretty. Please put your face in my crotch."

2)If It Happens, Don't Be A Jerk About It; Part One. It's obviously in poor taste to cheer and yell while a girl is going down on you, and this tastelessness is magnified if you do it in a derogatory manner. Don't put your hands behind your head and smirk like some retarded jigalo—no one can see you, and if she feels insulted, she might stop/bite. Brush her hair back with your hand, and let her know that she's doing a good job. But, and I can't stress this enough, don't say "You're doing a good job." That makes women feel like unpaid laborers, which when it comes to performing oral sex is only slightly above being a paid laborer.

3)When It's Go-Time, Announce! You might think, through some demented misinterpretation of a Penthouse Forum letter, that your semen is ambrosia worthy of marketing to the masses. It's not, by the way. Even if you happen to have to tastiest baby sauce on Earth—which is probably not something you should personally know—it's nonetheless bad practice to just shoot off into some unsuspecting girl's mouth without warning her. One bad side-effect of doing this is that she'll probably never go down on you again. The other is that it could possibly lead to projectile vomiting. It's good form to say something pleasant like "Okay", or "I'm gonna come soon", and not "Wheeeeee!" or "Take that, Mr. Uvula!"

4)If It Happens, Don't Be A Jerk About It; Part Two. Okay, so you've gotten the golden chalice, the holy grail, and you're proud of yourself. I understand that, and it's perfectly fine to feel that way. The thing to keep in mind is that although it might seem like good press to you, she might feel differently about you posting flyers concerning her knob-polishing prowess. Don't greet her in public with things like "Wow, I haven't seen you since the night you blew me!", or "I think you swallowed one of my vertebrae last time." I know you want to bring it up with her, but if you knew what was best, I wouldn't have written this handy guide. Trust me- just leave it alone.

Miscellaneous Uncategorized Advice

Don't fart when a girl is on or around your crotch, even if it doesn't make a sound. The silent ones will just lead her to believe that your genitals always smell like fermented ass.

Don't brag to your friends about it. She knows what size it is, and they probably have friends in common.

Keep the juice away from eyes, hair, clothing, and electrical outlets.

Telling your ex-girlfriend that your current girlfriend gives better head is actually an insult to both of them.

Don't smoke during oral sex. Either while receiving or, especially, while giving.

It's rude to play the drum solo from "Pipeline" on the top of her head. Avoid this if possible.

Don't look at the television, even if you think she's not looking.

No whistling. It's not as helpful as you think.

Code words for oral are sometimes advisable, so long as they're not crude or demeaning. "Personal attention" is preferable to "Time for steak and ice cream, baby!"

If she gags, don't laugh and say "Yeah, that always happens."