Thanksgiving. You get a handful of days off school and schlep all the way home so that you can eat one meal. The rest of the time you don’t have anything to do but hang out with old high school friends at the home of that guy who used to throw all the parties because he had, and undoubtedly still has, irresponsible parents. Welcome to your Thanksgiving-Hook-Up arena. The dudes are ugly, the girls are lonely, and there’s leftover turkey in the fridge.
I should point out that one of the things that makes the Thanksgiving hook-up so joyously easy is that it does not and should not have anything to do with starting a lasting relationship. Meaning, your wooing technique need not contain the promise of longevity and can be almost entirely superficial.
This is where your Thanksgiving-Hook-up-Secret-Weapon comes into play: the sweater.
Yes, the sweater. It sounds too simple to be true, but trust me here. If you wear a sweater, a sweater that doesn’t make you look gay or like you’ve been routing through Bill Cosby’s closet, the girls will be unable to contain themselves. Why, you ask? Well, the sweater, with its every wool/cotton blend stitch, will highlight the fact that you are not wearing a dingy sweatshirt emblazoned with the name of your college, and, in defying that disappointing norm, will encompass everything that your old high school girls had hoped and failed to find in college men.
You see, when girls get to college, they get into this idea of dating “Real Men.” They all went in saying, No more high school boy bullsh*t, I want a college man. So, naturally, they got a little slutty in order to reel one in, quickly realized they weren’t dating College Men, they were dating College Dudes, felt disgusted with themselves, and got really desperate just in time to go home for Thanksgiving.
Enter you. In your sweater. You’ll look debonair as sh*t, reigniting the romantic hope in every downtrodden chick who has the good fortune to cross your path. And, because she doesn’t actually plan to date you, you don’t even have to be that charming. If you just find one thing to reminisce about, stay away from mentions of “ragers” or anything involving public nudity, and maybe, if you feel like you’re floundering, tell her that you’re pre-med, you’ll be all set for a pleasant Thanksgiving Hook-up.
When you’re done, send her on her way with a merry dose of precarious optimism and take comfort in the fact that she’ll probably be desperate again by Christmas.