Many college kids have a younger sibling. Sure, Mom and Dad say little Scotty looks up to you and wants to be just like you, but that’s not true. He wants to be better than you. He’s learned from all your mistakes. He’s seen you fall again and again. He is prepared to steal your parents’ love away from you. Don’t let it happen.

When you visit home, your younger siblings will be very curious about college. They’ll ask question after question about your school and your major. Your goal is to steer them in a bad direction so they’ll never accomplish more than you. Control their feeble minds with any of these sayings:

"Man, if I could do it all again, I’d have been a Creative Writing major . . . that’s where the real money’s at."

“You want to go to Yale? That’s for people who couldn’t get into the U.S. Army, which, incidentally, is looking for new recruits. Here, read this pamphlet.”

GPAs are like golf scores: the lower the better. Study hard and you can get that hole in 1.00!”

“Look, I didn’t want to say anything, but I heard Mom say that she’d start drinking again if you ever leave home.”

“Right before Grandpa died, he told me that his greatest wish was to see you become a landscaper.”

“I hear really good things about those online universities. I wish my diploma was e-mailed to me as a PDF attachment.”

“Forget college, man, your band is one of the best I’ve ever heard . . . and I have like ten thousand mp3s.”