I was going to write a whole Thanksgiving sex post. But I have no Thanksgiving sex stories. I even asked some friends. Nothing. Thanksgiving and sex just don't go together. I know what you're thinking. Mindy, that’s not true. There’s nothing that horns me up more than being with my extended family, overeating to the point of nausea, and pilgrims and Native Americans getting along. I guess I could make up some story about bringing my boyfriend home and after everyone had gone to bed, being thrown across the Thanksgiving table, covered in whip cream and pumpkin pie, and brought to orgasm while arched atop a cornucopia, No, let's move on.

My friend was complaining to me the other day that his girlfriend’s becoming a "mad hypochondriac" and it’s driving him crazy. He looked so depressed, so I tried cheering him up with an embarrassing story about how I farted while receiving oral sex from a guy I just starting seeing senior year of college who I’d had a crush on for two years. That made him laugh, but then he went back to moping. “Ugh, I don’t even want to fuck her, that’s how annoying she’s become.” And then we were joined by some more friends so he didn’t elaborate. But I did in my head, and then on my computer, and then…here:

Ooooh, yeah! That feels so good. Yeah, squeeze my tits. Yeah, squeeze them! Suck them! Yeah, feels so good. You know what else would feel really good? If you took two fingers and made a small circle around my nipple pushing in gently. Yeah! Mmmmm. Now continue outwards making larger circles. Mmmm. Just like that. Feels amazing baby. Is it smooth so far? Feel any lumps? Anything feel lumpy, like a piece of chewing gum? Make sure to do the other one too. Mmmm. Okay, now take your hands away from my tits and move them right…here. Yeah! You know the spot baby. Right on the lymphnodes. Yeah, rub them. Mmmm, gentle. Yeah, just like that. So do they feel swollen? Does the right one feel swollen cause sometimes it hurts on that side when I swallow. Mmmm. Yeah. Yeah, put your mouth right down there. Mmmmm, that feels good. Can you describe the smell to me baby? Reading this article about how smells and taste can determine risks for HPV. Try and use specific adjectives. Oh, you want in the backdoor? Yeah! Mmmm. Yeah, that feels good. Hey, know what would be really awesome baby? While you’re there, if you’d stick this thermometer in. Been feeling achy. No, I read this is more accurate than an oral one. Come on baby, did you know that even a low-grade fever can signal numerous communicable—yeah, right there!

Speaking of rectal thermometers, I got an e-mail from a guy the other day who said he liked my columns and that if I ever broke up with my boyfriend he’d “satisfy me good.” (Okay nothing to do with rectal thermometers, but I needed a transition.) And although it always warms my heart to receive promises of satisfying sex from complete strangers, I don’t think I could handle sex with a College Humor reader.

ugh yeah, that feels so good
okay, now suck my dick ftw
no, put it between your tits ftw
2nded. dick in the tits
no, dick in the ass
this BJ is LAME!
LOL you’re sucking my cock.
hahahahaha, you’re sucking my cock like a LOLipop.
lmao at both of the above
yeah dick in tits ftw
shit, sorry didn’t reply
no, lick my balls ftw
not sucking my balls is LAME
your mom could suck better cock than this
mom references are lame
actually liked the first half of the blowjob but then it got kind of boring
thought the BJ was too long and not funny
no, the BJ was awesome!
started out okay, but it didn’t go anywhere
end your life
marry me
wtf, where r u going?