Hi, it’s Mindy Raf. You don’t know me. We’ve never met. But you should recognize my name because you contact me via Facebook everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day.

Here’s the thing. Although I’m sure you’re a really nice person, I don’t want to drink virtual cosmos with you. I don’t even know what that means. I don’t want to drink virtual margaritas with you either. Or do virtual tequila shots. I don’t want to go to any virtual Facebook application bars with you. Besides, you’re underage.

Also, I don’t want to be a member of any of your groups. I know that seems rude, but if I say yes to one then I have to say yes to all, and it’s just too much. So I’m not going to be a member of “[Yourname] Likes Chinese Food” or “[Yourname] Loves Beer” or “8520 Cool Photos [Yourname] Took Last Weekend” or “What [Yourname] is Watching on TV Right Now!” Sorry.

Also, as you’ve noticed, I’ve responded “Not Attending” to all of your event invitations. It’s not that I’m antisocial, it’s just that I live in New York and all of your “events” are in Mississippi and flying to Mississippi eight weekends in a row to attend “Guitar Hero Keggers!!!!!” is just not in my budget.

Also, no more poking. As you can see, I have removed all of your pokes. I’m sorry if that’s against Facebook etiquette, but I find your over-poking to be exhausting and strangely stressful. Also, please stop throwing food at me.

[Youname,] we need to take a break

I would say “let’s stay Facebook friends” but I don’t think you’re ready for that right now and I fear that soon I’d start receiving “gifts” again like those two teddy bears hugging or that heart locket thing or more creepy eggs. Please stop sending me eggs that hatch kittens. I don't want anymore eggs that hatch kittens. They give me nightmares.

Okay, so we’re on a break. I’m too old for you anyway. I know what you’re going to say. “Mindy, when it comes to socializing on the Internet age doesn’t matter!” You’re right. But you’re not an 11-year-old girl and I’m not a 45-year-old man, so really . . . where is this going?

Maybe instead of trying to pursue Internet friendships you should try Internet stalking. I’m sure it will be more challenging, but I bet tons more fun.

Here’s hoping the next person who requests my friendship is you, incognito!

Good luck to you and yours,


Don’t take this letter the wrong way College Humor people, I love getting e-mails from you guys! Okay, but not the ones regarding “stuffing a girl like a turkey.” It’s a great image don’t get me wrong, but just seems a bit superfluous. Who doesn’t want to stuff a girl like a turkey? Or stick their dick in a turkey? Nobody! So no need to let me know you want to do that, or do that to me, or do that to my mom, via e-mail.