Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
The Morning After Nip/Tuck: Daniel Sands
December 4, 2007
I'm really not sure how I feel about this week's episode. On the one hand, it was stupid as hell for the first 45 minutes. On the other hand, those 45 minutes were supposed to be an episode of a reality show, so if it weren't stupid, that would be completely unrealistic. On another hand altogether, why did they feel the need to make an episode about a reality show? My guess is that it's because the writers have their fingers on the pulse of the nation, and reality TV is where it's at these days, especially with the strike.
, they must have written this episode before the strike! Nothing makes sense anymore! I guess it's the same reason any reality show gets aired: sweet, juicy ratings.
The first few minutes are Christian convincing Sean to agree to do a reality show, and Sean being at first completely against the idea, then somewhat open to it, and finally reluctantly agreeable after Christian bats his eyelashes and blows Sean kisses.
The credits for their fake reality show,
, are probably the best credits of anything ever. Sean and Christian are wearing dark glasses and waving around cartoon scalpels and bobbing their heads side to side like Stevie Wonder. (Requisite Eddie Murphy-on-Stevie Wonder joke: "You wanna impress me, motherfucker? Take the wheel.")
Here's what happens during the reality show episode: Sean and Christian offer ironically opposing views of what the plastic surgery industry really does for people, Sean siding with "helping" and Christian siding with "making titties bigger." Their patient, Daniel Sands, is a gigolo who wants an eye lift and a neck lift, only he's a former drug addict, so he wants to use acupuncture instead of anesthesia. Olivia is conveniently an acupuncturist. Liz has a huge crush on Olivia. Julia is wicked jealous and also an annoying cunt. During Mr. Sands' surgery, Eden storms in with cigarette burns all over her forearms, crying about rehab and telling all of everyone's secrets. Julia confronts Liz about her crush on Olivia. Eden thanks Sean for treating her burns and not being a dick to her, like everyone else. She says she was j/k when she said that Christian and Julia did it. Christian cries to Bliss (aka Mary Cherry from
), the publicist who is working on the show, about how he wishes it were focusing more on him. She tells him to go shopping on Rodeo Drive. Then she thinks better of it and gets New York to come on the show and act poorly and give Christian advice about starting shit. Heeding said advice, Christian calls Julia and tells her that Olivia and Liz were macking. Julia runs over and yells at both of them. And that's the reality show episode.
If last week was about Secrets, then this week was obviously about Revelation. I guess this is actually really well-suited to a reality show, since nothing can stay secret for long if there are cameras everywhere and everyone else hypothetically has access to everything you're saying and doing. Still, Christian managed to not allow Mr. Sands to tell everyone that he's a gigolo, and Eden spilled secrets in such a way that no one necessarily believes them. Further, when Christian called Julia about Olivia and Liz kissing, we didn't see them kissing right then, so it seemed like Christian was lying. However, he knew they'd kissed because he'd installed a camera (apparently for his own nefarious personal use) in the women's bathroom. All of those things happened independent of the reality show. Conclusion: nothing secret can stay secret for long. Unless you anesthetize or discredit the revealer, I guess.
The reality show portion also had a really awesome reality show soundtrack, with tons of melodramatic violins and "wah-waaah" sounds and fake baby crying and talking head segments. (Side note: in her talking head segment, Nurse Linda totally reminded me of Phyllis from
, which may have something to do with the fact that she's a real RN who serves as a technical adviser on a lot of doctor shows. Fun facts!) It was a little bit stupid that everyone was so "Get these cameras out of my face!" all the time, since they signed up to be on the show in the first place. I guess it was the first time they'd had to deal with them, but that's still something that you rarely see on reality shows anymore. Also Julia burst into a huge "no cameras!" fit every time she was on screen, wherein she would literally just plead with the cameraman to stop filming her. She is such a stupid cunt.
After the reality show part is over, Sean and Christian are somewhat upset with the direction it's taken upon reviewing the footage, Sean because it's too much about personal problems and not enough about surgery, and Christian because his fat ass isn't featured prominently enough. Bliss reveals that it tested poorly, so the network is pulling the plug on the show anyway, unless they agree to re-shoot. Both do not agree to re-shoot. Sean is relieved, Christian is plotting. From this point forward, it's really clear that Christian is secretly continuing with the show via hidden cameras. You can tell because first of all, he wants to be a huge star, but also he sometimes looks right into the camera. Plus he says totally obvious, cartoon villain things like, "Thank goodness the cameras have all gone! Let's do whatever we want! (twirls mustache)" and everyone else is like, "Meh."
Sean goes over the footage of the Julia/Olivia/Liz altercation several times, focusing on the part where Julia apologizes for her "indiscretions" during her relationship with Olivia. After watching this 150 times, Sean begins to realize that maybe Eden wasn't lying about Christian and Julia having recently slept together.
Speaking of those two, Julia and Olivia talk out their relationship problems. Julia cries a lot and looks bad and I hate her, and Olivia is way too interested in Julia. So much so that she cannot understand that Julia needs for everything to be about her having problems all the time, so no matter how long they stay together, and no matter how little of a social taboo it is to be a lesbian in LA, Julia will never, ever,
be comfortable in the relationship. Plus she wants Christian, or whatever, but even if he weren't in the picture, she still has to manufacture drama in her relationships, because she's boring as fuck otherwise.
As Sean is checking up on Eden after surgery, she whines about how she's a bitch and no one wants to deal with her anymore and she has to go to public school. I say good riddance, but Sean is way nicer than I am. Marissa Cooper v.1.2 is all, "I'll never survive in
!!!" and Sean is like, "Where do you belong, then?" and she's like, "Um nowhere. : ( With you?" and for once she doesn't mean it in a sexual way, necessarily. She just wants someone to take care of her and genuinely care about her and pay for her boarding school tuition. I get that now Eden is a sympathetic character, because she came back from boarding school and realized that no one likes a raging cunt, and her mom is maybe not paying as much attention to her as she could be, so Eden has all these issues that she's had for her whole life, which she's tried to work out for herself by taking charge of every situation she's in by being seductive and using sex to get what she wants, because none of the other things she has have worked to get what she wants form her mom, which is love. And she would be a sympathetic character, I guess, if not for the glaring detail that NO
. I can't wait until we find out he was kidnapped by kidney thieves after all, and Christian was too busy trying to get his ass on TV to notice. Maybe Gina would have been the better custodian, is all I'm saying.
Oh, to get back on track with Eden, Sean kisses her on the forehead, because he's all paternal and a nice guy, and then she gazes longing into his eyes like she's in love with him, and they kiss on the mouth. Twice. And the whole time my roommates and I were screaming like McCauley Caulkin, because for real, yo: Christian has cameras everywhere! This is just giving Julia more fodder, that's all. Just more shit she can cry about, even though it has almost nothing to do with her.
At the end, it was Christian and Sean alone together, like it's been for a while, because at the end of the day (literally, usually), this show is all about them and their relationship. Just like Christian said on the reality show. And no matter what is happening with everyone else, as long as Christian and Sean continue to keep secrets from each other, they're going to continue to hurt each other. Christian denies sleeping with Julia, Sean fails to mention that he just made out with Eden, and Christian winks into the camera in his apartment, but otherwise does not indicate that he is filming everyone's lives all the time.
No Matt this episode, so that was awesome. I guess Christian might get into some sort of prostitute rumble with Daniel Sands, but that would be sort of lame. In the previews is shows Julia and Olivia being held at gunpoint, but I'm not sure who would want to kill them, so that might be a case of mistaken identities. Then again, who knows what Olivia's past is like. Then again again, I figure everyone who's ever met Julia probably wants to kill her. I wish for it so badly, but I know it won't happen. Oh! Also the surgery tonight was actually reasonable. It wasn't as cool as what those surgeries actually look like, but it was better than usual.
Until next time, have a good one,
picture of donkey as mouth censor
The Morning After Nip Tuck
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