So its that time of year again.
No, not the three way throw down between Crack Baby Jesus, G.I. Allah, and Tom Cruise. Depending on who the Jews throw their money behind im sure it'll be a great couple of weeks. But before that can all go down there's something even more important we need to get out of the way.
We're all thinking it.
And its just about time someone's had the balls to say it out loud.
Someone's gotta kill Santa Clause..
First, I'm fine with helping out small hungry orphans, waddling around on a peg leg or crutch as much as anyone. Hell, If they don't talk to, or try to touch me, and theirs a chance they wont blow it all on rye and hookers, I'll throw a few nickel at em.
It's that season..
But when a large shifty looking man with a white beard and pimped fur coat tries to extort me into giving him cash because he has a bell and a box. Salvation army my ass, I've seen enough Christmas specials to know one of us is about to die. And im willing to play the odds it takes him longer to put his cigarette out on his tongue, drop his bell and reach for his sharpened rusty spoon then it does for me to grab the kid with the crutch and start swinging for my life..
I like Christmas, the shinny lights, trees, and the anticipation of getting and giving-mostly getting- of gifts every year. It's how I judge who gets my love. But If the whole concept of an old scraggly haired Coca-cola spokesperson, who can fly and somehow trick his own cult of little people into dressing up like peter pan, to break into your home every year, and who knows your name, address, and how many times you've bought Pepsi doesn't widdle away at your will to live, then he's taken your soul years ago..
So im putting it out there right now for him to read that i don't care how many Midgets you own or what charity you say you beg for. You'll have to do a lot better then paint your Grocery cart full of coke cans green cause im sick of wondering whether this is going to be the year you finally eat me old man.. If you put me on that list, I'll cut you..