Hey guys, I did a live blog last night so I’m just going to post that instead of a normal Morning After.The episode wasn’t all that funny, but it was one last chance to see the awesomeness that is Jared…so that was cool.I also included some of my favorite comments from the people reading the blog last night, if it’s not attributed to anyone it was anonymous…but I still thought it was awesome.And now, let’s get to The Morning After Kid Nation, with a little help from Kid Nation Nation.
Before the show gets going tonight, I'd like to highlight some kids we've never seen before. I mean really, how pissed would you be if your son or daughter went away for 40 days and DIDN'T get shown on camera? Granted, you avoid exploiting them and still get paid
BUT you can't get that Disney channel spin-offs.
After combing the CBS website, here are some kids who supposedly are on the show even though we've never seen them.
This is Sophie. From her bio: "I admire Susan B. Anthony because she made it possible for women to vote! I also admire Madeline Albright and Queen Elizabeth, because they prove that women can do just as well as men as leaders." Clearly, she has an affinity for ugly women. Sounds like me after about 10 beers. Hey, it happens.
Clinton I only know about 2 and Bush is not the one. Things seemed to have been better for our country when he was in. He was more outgoing."
That reminds me of the logic I used to employ when Nickelodeon did Kids Pick The President.
Well guys, I gotta admit
I'm a little misty here. We kick off with a montage of the entire season including chicken killing, gold star awards, and district shakeups.
Time Warner's Digital Cable Listing tells me that "The pioneers awaken to find the job board destroyed; an unlikely hero emerges; the pioneers face three final challenges and receive a heart-wrenching surprise that leaves them all in tears."
KN: We've All Decided To Go Mad
We start off with Mike sleep walking through the early morning and finding the job board in flames. Oh my! This isn't contrived at all. They didn't wake him up just so he could come upon this enormous fine in the middle of the town, I'm sure. Mike is now running around like Paul Revere telling people that the job board is on fire. I bet Jared did it with his mind.
I'd like to say, how fucking dangerous is this? The producers allow the kids to try and put the fire out themselves. What the fuck? Jared does his part by walking over with literally a cup full of water. He says that you have to do what you can, even if you "have to use a freaking tin cup."
Mike does his crazy twitch thing when he realizes that if there is no more job board there are no more jobs. But if there are no more jobs there are no more classes but if there are no more classes what are they going to do for the showdown!?!
Roll beginning credits
(James: I wish they would have all come out and seen Mike standing there with the lantern and blamed him and ran him out of town.)
Did everyone get that OnStar commercial with Kelly Ripa? Or was that a regional thing here in Syracuse.
1. Kelly Ripa is hot.
2. I wish my body could e-mail me reports about what's going down within me something like "Mark, wipe better."
I feel this would make my life easier.
(Look at the way that they show all the characters we haven't met yet! This is the 4th quarter, you have to get the scrubs in, so their parents don't complain.)
Host Guy tells the kids that things are about to change
OH. MY. GOD.
Host Guy just through The Journal in the fire! I hope Tom Riddle doesn't come out! Mallory was the one who wanted him to burn it the most. For someone who loves The Bible so much, it's no surprised she wanted to burn some books.
Host Guy gives the kids the option of staying in classes or doing whatever they want. Not surprisingly, the kids choose to go absolutely fucking nuts.
Holy shit, it's like the Rodney King riots. The kids go crazy stealing EVERYTHING from the stories. Christ, it's like after Katrina hit. DK is pissed at all the kids, I half expect him to go on the Bonanza telethon and claim that Host Guy doesn't care about black people.
This is like when I'd destroy my own Sim City after I spent an entire weekend working on it. It's not surprising I never really had a serious girlfriend in high school
The Council tell the kids at dinner that they need to clean up the mess they made.
And we're in to Day 39
There's candy and crap strewn everywhere. It's like if Willy Wonka had some type of bro attended ripper.
I still want to know, WHERE DO THESE KIDS SHOWER?
Host Guy calls the kids in for challenge number 1. The prize? The last 20,000 dollar gold star. Host Guy then tells The Council that they must award the gold star immediately. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE choose Jared.
Also, I'd like to note now that I think the tear inducing surprise will be everyone's parents coming to town at the end.
I hope when we see Jared's parents, it's Rick Moranis and Andy Samberg.)
DK is having such a hard time deciding who gets the gold star that he starts to cry. WHAT A BITCH.
Not a great movie. It's basically just Vince Vaughn saying Vince Vaughn things to kids. Iffy, at best.
-Greg just called DK brother
I don't think that's allowed.
-The Council decides to give the star to Zach! Christ, he's like Susan Lucci when she finally won an award. He starts to cry like a bitch. You know, I think I used that joke months ago but who cares? It's the finally! Greg says that Zach is someone he can see in "legislature" one day. Greg is someone Zach can probably see in jail, so I guess everyone wins.
-Taylor moves all the chickens into her room. Not the last time in her life she's going to bring a lot of cock home with her. Emilie then asks to sleep in there with them and Taylor says that she can sleep next to the chickens if she really wants to come in. Oh man, apparently there's a skinny girl party and Emilie isn't invited. She is not happy.
-Migle defuses the situation.
And we move on to Day 40 yayyyy the last day
Host Guy brings out 3 HUGE gold stars worth 50,000 each. He has Alex pick one up to see how heavy they are
Alex isn't a douche this week. He doesn't claim that "it really isn't all that much money." Think he could melt it down and make a grill for his one tooth?
Commercial break 3, folks.
(James: RAWWRR, Emilie angry! Also, they should have made a gold Star of David for equality.)
To win the stars, the kids have to earn them by hosting a party. They have an hour to cook, clean, and prepare for the "Bonanza City Bonanza."
-They must make pasta AND sauce, put together picnic tables, and bury all the trash.
The kids have to turn tomatoes into pasta and dough into spaghetti it's like some weird Double Dare competition. I hope the red haired girl making the sauce doesn't fall in they might not be able to find her.
Hmm, that's weird they completed one-third of the challenge in exactly one-third of the time. As they go to put the picnic tables together, someone (Blaine?) tells Mike that he "has no idea what (Mike) is doing down there. I'm sure Mike will hear that often in his life.
Morgan says she really helped because she's not afraid of the garbage I mean she does have to look in the mirror everyday. Oh, snap!
They get everything done and ring the bell to end the challenge. Blaine and Greg even carry DK back to town because he hurt his leg.
Host Guy tells the kids that they're parents are coming and they shriek like it's a spice girls concert. Jesus.
-There's got to be one kid whose parents don't come, right? This is like some terrible Hallmark Hall-of-Fame Orphanage movie.
-I don't want to be racist, but DK's dad can definitely dunk a basketball. He is enormous.
-Jared's Dad looks fun.
-The kids (along with their parents) share one last meal together.
-What would have happened if the kids didn't win the reward? How would CBS have filled 30 minutes? The kids should have used this as leverage.
(Eric: DK cries, spoiler alert.)
-I like how the kids bring their backpacks to town hall like it's some frigging field trip.
-I am literally crossing my fingers for Jared. Please please please win.
-How pissed must the parents of The Council be right now that their kids probably won't win the stars.
-I'm waiting for one of the kids (Alex?) to stand up and claim Host Guy raped them. Now THAT would be a twist.
-Michael claims that handing out this gold star is the most difficult decision of his life. Coming in at a close second was the time he traded his holographic Charizard for a holographic Snorlax.
And the winner of our first huge gold star is SOPHIA!
Morgan wins the 2nd gold star! Sadly, none of this is all that funny. It's actually sort of sad
I'm going to miss Kid Nation.
Morgan's Dad thanks The Council for honoring their daughter and Greg all of a sudden becomes Eddie Fuckin' Haskell and thanks Morgan's dad basically for conceiving his daughter.
Migle wins the 3rd star. She cries like some pageant contestant.
(All we need now is for seal to come out and sing amazing.)
-Why didn't Host Guy ask if anyone wants to go home?
(Katie:Excuse me, Mark?I love you.Mention me in Morning After, please.)Hi Katie, I love you too.
And that brings us to the end of Kid Nation, Kid Nation, Kid Nation, Kid Nation (I’m sorry…the kids just said it a billion times in some stupid montage.)I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think that only brings us to the end of SEASON 1 of Kid Nation…it’s coming back!I also can’t believe I’m saying THIS, but I think I’m going to miss it.
Luckily, we don’t have to let it go yet.
Here is my announcement:In the coming weeks we will have interviews with Host Guy (Jonathan Karsh), JARED, and Greg.Stay tuned!And join The Jared Facebook Group to post questions!
As always, thanks for reading.
JOIN THE JARED FACEBOOK GROUP I WANT 10,000 MEMBERS. INVITE EVERYONE. IT'S A FITTING TRIBUTE TO THE J-MAN SINCE HE DIDN'T GET A STAR.
MarkZito.com Listen to my show
I'll have KN people on there too.