What am I thankful for this holiday? One thing: Daytime television. With no classes to attend and a house full of overbearing parents asking how I plan to pay for my student loans, the innocuous, mind-numbing programming below makes the holiday visit home bearable.
Beverly Hills, 90210 Reruns
Once the standard by whichmillions of American teens organized their lives, Beverly Hills todayfinds itself in a sort of pop-cultural limbo: Too young to be"classic," yet to old for the thrice-daily showings enjoyed bySeinfeld. Alas, the once great drama of young, denim-clad Californianshas been sent adrift into the sea of upper-channel cable programming.If, by chance, you're one of the seven Dylan fanatics lucky enough toget SOAPNet, be sure and tune in for your favorite hunk rubbing elbowswith Ian Ziering and Shannen Doherty on channel 801.
The Price is Right
It's wrong to compare Bob Barker's departure from The Price is Right to Christ's departure from Earth. After all, Christ came back as mankind's savior, while Mr. Barker came back as a tubby comedian sporting a perpetual crew cut and the thick-rimmed eyeglasses of a pedophile. However, The Price is Right remains just about the most reliable thing on television since Walter Cronkite died in an orgy of cocaine and loose women (sources say).
Lifetime Original Movies
What beats throwing on your favorite oversized Tweety Bird sweatshirt, curling up in that big, cozy couch with a tub of Bonbons, and catching a 1pm showing of Lifetime's Living In Terror: The Traci Darrow Story? Oh yeah: Having a set of testicles. As a network catering to 39-year-old single women who hang "Cathy" comic strips on the walls of their cubicles, Lifetime fills its daytime slots with harrowing, inspirational tales of abused spouses, closeted homosexual husbands, and funny fat chicks.
The Shawshank Redemption
Never before has a film so good become so bad through simple overexposure. This well-known prison drama featuring Tim Robins is apparently one of three movies Ted Turner can legally show, as one can hear Morgan Freeman's melodious narration of Andy Dufresne's jail rape at literally any hour of the day-be it on TNT, TBS or SRN, the little-known "Shawshank Redemption Network" (formerly BET).